Steaming Hot Tokyo Flesh

Things are definitely hotting up here in Tokyo, with the last few weeks particularly brutal. Japanese temperatures are nudging the mid 30’s in the mid afternoon, and the mid 40’s in my bum crack (around 100 farenhiet for the American’s without an adequate grasp of the metric system.)



(While I am on the topic, isn’t it amusing that however much American cultural imperialism embeds itself into every nook and cranny of our planet, the piss-weak, inferior, illogical system of measurement they stubbornly cling to remains universally shunned.)

Note to America: Miles, ounces, fahrenheit, pounds, quarts, inches and all the rest of it- you can stick it right up your bum.

While you are at it, also stick all the words you have invented to measure the various stages of education like freshman, elementary school, sophomore, and homecoming etc. Nobody understands them, or gives a damn, so don’t bother trying to explain them, Just stick em in ya bum.


At least somebody knows where to find information on the non metric system.

Lets get back on topic- summer heat. Just from walking around town speaking to, and eavesdropping on other Tokyoites this last week, it has become abundantly clear that many people have some pretty strange ways to keep cool.

Take Mrs. Jennifer Yamaguchi for example of Katsushika-ward, Tokyo. Her methods may be unorthodox, but at least she gets the result.


Probably be even more effective if she took the bottle cap of though.

For every one moron like Jennifer though, there are a thousand like Hiroshi here, of Bunkyo-ward. Hiroshi was one of dozens succumbing to the rising mercury during the post Tsuyu heat.


It wasn’t all bad for Hiroshi though as although he didn’t make it home, he did manage set a new posthumous Guinness record for the longest ass crack, eclipsing a very competitive field.

Another person I recently stumbled across was Anastasia of Yokosuka, a delightful eastern European Tokyoite also completely fed up with the July heat.


Anastasia tells me she normally makes a tidy living servicing off base US serviceman from the nearby navy base, but the summer heat has really been effecting business. “Once the mercury gets over 30, you can’t blame the guys for not wanting to come venturing off base for a handjob. It’s a lot of effort, and many are just preferring to just stay in an play Xbox or something” said Pamela.



By the way, its best to sit on Anastasia’s right side if you are down in Yokosuka for a handjob.



Anyway, so the summer heat is taking its toll on people, even journalists. Take yesterday for example, there I was sitting in my tatami room eating my muesli, as is my custom on Sunday mornings, when I opened up the paper and was confronted by this….


Yes I know. It’s absolutely appalling. Newspapers aren’t cheap anymore, and when I go to the trouble of having somebody deliver one, the least I expect is adequate, and professional typeface editing. As best I can estimate there are 9 (nine) font spaces open between this chap KIWEWEESI’s name, and his working title-PASTOR.

If I did that with a PowerPoint presentation at work, my boss would quite rightfully pull me up for it. It just comes down to either a) simple text alignment, b) taking half the longer word onto the next line, or c) popping an extra adjective or photograph in front of PASTOR.


Anyway, this put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and it was all I could do to somehow manage to enjoy my surf. It was my pre laundry day so I was in my briefs again.

Hideki Matsui Mystery

I was walking about in the park in front of the train station minding my own business as is my custom, the other afternoon. It was very hot and I was at the end of my tether. Here I am.







Although I did have my new red purse, and snoopy socks on so I was turning heads.
Tokyo is getting hot recently. I am not talking 2008 hot, because that was despicably hot, but it is only early days.

I have been thinking about the heat a lot lately.

When I was young and didn’t have any other choice but to put up with heat it really didn’t worry me. Now that I am successful and very particular in relation to my dislikes, I simply can’t find it in myself to give a rat’s ass for the heat anymore. The heat also makes my balls become this shape.


With the winter, you can just pop an extra layer on to get away from the cold. But not with the heat you can’t. There is no escape. It is always there. Every morning, ten minutes after stepping out the front door, the bum crack is on fire, the tattoos are melting, hair gel is disheveled, my back bathed in sweat on the train (half the time its not even my own sweat). By the time I finally get home, I look like something that crawled out of the sea.

Can you imagine living in one of those shitty countries like Indonesia, India, or Mexico closer to the equator with oppressive year round heat? No wonder nothing ever seems to get done in those dreadful type of places. Probably also explains why every time these places feature on a news broadcast news, every beggar in the footage looks alcoholic and in dire need of need of a bath or hose down.



So anyway, I was at a station, when I saw this poster with that pretty boy Hideki Matsui’s ugly mug plastered on it.



Look at the slogan, on the upper left hand side. I have yellowed out the last line, because I want you to guess what it is.

Go, on. Don't look yet, play my little game. What could it be.


I love baby, I love children…..





 
...I love teeth.

Besides the fact that the baby probably doesn’t have any teeth, Hideki’s are obviously false, and the poster is entirely in English, I have heard the poster campaign was a big success in Japan.

Note to Hideki: after a decade living in America it might be time to shell out for those English lessons you have always promised yourself. Best to wait until your baby’s broken ear recovers though.

Truth be told though, it did help to take my mind off the fact that my balls and bum crack were on fire.


Still Endangered After All These Years

As most people know, turtles suck pretty badly even at the best of times.

Even those massive ones they have at zoos and wildlife parks from the Galapogas Islands are only good for a few minutes entertainment. They are probably endangered too.


Taking his time as usual.

You often hear statistics about how many different species are disappearing each day, hour, and trimester etc. etc. Frankly though I wonder if any of these statistics really hold any water? I mean how do they finalize the numbers? It must all be half guesswork and other half bullshit because heaven knows it must be hard to do a gallop poll on all the animals.

Apart from being made up on the run, these dodgy statistics also never take into account the new species coming into existence. I hear the new species numbers are very high- as much as 34%.

Alas, like the stupid, boring old Galapogas turtles at your local petting zoo, most endangered species are still around. For some reason whenever I here anything about endangered species, it always seems to be the same old suspects like the giant panda or blue whale etc. that are still on the precipice. You know them. Its always the same ones.

This is especially true of those fucking pandas! Ever since I was a boy they have been on the verge of extinction. Message to pandas- Piss or get off the pot! But for some reason they still have credibility as an endangered species. For peats sake, they have even weaseled their way onto the WWF logo.

Why cant they leave gracefully like the dodo, the Tasmanian tiger, or all the dinosaurs- 3 species that have, from a PR/career perspective gone on to benefit enormously from their respective sudden, and tragic ends.

Digging a little deeper on this, we can also thank these 3 species for teaching us the only way to top the golden Sudden/ Tragic combo is with the third magic ingredient- Preventability. Take beloved characters like Elvis, Michael Jackson, JFK, Che Guevera, Heath Ledger, or Curt Cobain for example. Like the Dodo etc., all went out suddenly, tragically, and very preventably, at the top of the game- just the way we humans both adore and love it.

Getting back to those fat Panda bears, like everything else from China, I also think its pretty safe to say we have given them a pretty fair shake of our time, attention, and charity dollar. Why henceforth, shouldn’t they be assessed on performance and results like the rest of us punters?

Bullseye! Just what we needed, another Chinese.

If they haven’t got the goods to survive in the modern world, put em to work in the circus like all the other animals and lets see if we can get some of our money back.

Happy Bento Days

I dropped my Meiji Jingu the other day. For those of you that don't know what or where that is, please close this page and kindly never visit my site again.

It really is a nice place to take a stroll about. I used to have a job that involved strolling about taking pictures for a news letter once a month. It only used to take about 2 hours to take all my pictures, but you would be amazed at how long things can be stretched out if the weather is nice outside.

 I am sure nobody ever bothered reading my newsletter, but every month I dutifully created it. It was a pointless exercise, but it did allow me the opportunity to leave the office once a month and walk about some of the coolest areas of Tokyo. I did learn a lot about the best parts of the city, even if nobody did bother to read my news letter.

Every no and again, I would stop by Meiji Jingu to eat my bento. It was always very tranquil. I always used to sit down on one of these stools to eat my bento.



Which brings me to my question. Can you guess which one just by looking at the photo? I can bet frequent readers will have no problem. 

That's right, it was this one.



Once I had finished, I always used to do a lap of the grounds, never neglecting to stop by the pond to look at the nice ducks. They were always there waiting for me, and always nice to look at. Much better than being at work.



 There is also a massive grass lawn near the pond, that is one of the best kept secrets in Tokyo.

To find it, just look for the flagpole. It looks like this.



India: A Barbaric, Unpalletable Society

So there I was, walking around in New Delhi, or Bombay. I'm not exactly sure which one I went to, and frankly I don't care to know. Ill tell you something for nothing though, whichever one it was has got serious municipal hygiene problems. Chances are they both do though.

While I was only there for 10 days or so  I did have an opportunity to observe Indian religious practices in great detail.

 Before I go any further I should prefix these remarks by saying that I have very limited respect for the Hindu belief system. I just found it very questionable. Even more than the other mainstream religions. It just seems like a weird cult that somehow became really popular and is now out of control.

From what I was able to gleam from my chauffeur and guide, Indians look to three areas for their spiritual needs, Firstly yoga, then a blue lady with many arms, and a elephant person. Here are pictures of the last two.





As I said, very questionable.

There is also a 4th sphere relating to cows. My guide explained it, but I switched off halfway through. giving him my trademark blank look of disinterest counter balanced for the sake of appearances with lots of head nodding.


Indians don't eat beef. As a result of this, there are many cows roaming around their cities. Most are mangy, disease ridden, so not edible anyway. This is another reason why so many Indian cities smell really poorly.


Here is a picture I took at the train station. There was a cow on the platform. I don't know if it got on the train, but it probably could if it wanted to.  Note the monkeys as well. Like the cows and citizens, they also poo everywhere.


40degree heat.
Unwashed, unkempt, purulent Indian flesh.
Cows shitting wherever they please.

Just to illustrate this point again here is a picture taken of me (behind black) with a cow. Just out of coincidence, look at how many other cows are in the background.


Such an unpalatable society. God only knows how they managed to learn cricket and English. At least we can take solice in the fact that they do both poorly.