A Quick Single…

A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"

Pass Thy Salt and Thy Pepper

I was to be found lurking about in Sendagaya recently. You probably don’t care do you. I don’t blame you, because as it turns out Sendagaya is not nearly as good as you’d think.

In fact, I asked some other people who probably know a lot more about it than me, and definitely more than you, but they also said didn’t know where it was.

Despite this, I did find a very weird little shop selling salt and pepper shakers molded to look like popular religious charachters.

There were no one’s of Joseph. Come to think of it, isn’t it strange how Joseph isn’t really all that well known compared to the other characters from the Nativity. Everyone knows about the 3 wise men, and Mary and Baby Joseph of course, but no one seems to concentrate on Joseph.

He just blends in like the other guy in Wham, that dud Prince Edward, or that 5th guy in Arashi who just stands looking at the camera.

The bit that I like about this product is that it would in all likelihood appeal to both hard core Christians and atheists equally. An atheist would take great delight in a sacred Christian symbols being portrayed as condiment shakers, whilst a Christian would probably draw equal pleasure from receiving one under the Xmas tree. There aren’t many new products that can pull that off.

They don’t come cheap either. If you are willing to splash out on a top of the line Chrome plated Mary, it will set you back all of Y4725.

A Quick Single…

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful cunts. All I said was "hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!"

Dramatic Arts Scene

Guest Blog by: tJIoGT Department of Dramatic Art, Prof. Desmond Clary MA.

I would like to use this occasion to congratulate all the prospective undergraduates selected to progress through to the 2nd round of our 2010 Dramatic Arts Program performance auditions.

This exceptionally high standard of competition this year has ensured for an extremely difficult and laborious culling process. Those young men selected to proceed into the ensuing rounds of competition can expect things to stiffen up considerably. Possibly in ways their young minds cannot yet imagine.

On the down side though, failed candidates need not be deterred or discouraged by the shame that my rejection undeniably brings them and their families. Instead, I ask such people to remember that there entire careers lay ahead of them, and encourage them to pursue his or her studies at any one of the less prestigious, inferior institutions that litter our country’s academic landscape.

Of all the rejected candidates to have darkened my door so far this year though, one young man perhaps stands out in particular. A very brave and courageous man named Simon, whom as luck would have I decided to cull early on the opening day of the selection process.

Despite his obvious lack of talent he immediately stood out from the other candidates for he was the only applicant in a wheel chair. As he rolled himself onto the stage he introduced himself as Simon.

I was immediately captivated by his courage and said, “It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair – Do you mind if I ask you what happened?" To this Simon said, "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a terrible car accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed instantly, but I survived, trapped in the car for 4 hours and had to be cut free. Although the doctors had me in surgery for 18 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible” I said. “But I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

"No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs directly onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 12 months, and I hope to be walking again someday."

I was taken aback by his optimism and said "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to do for your audition?"

Simon replied "Well, I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."

A Quick Single…

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

Up Norf in Japan

Roving around in Yonezawa, northern Japan the other evening desperately looking for something to keep my mind occupied.

You'll have to take my word for it, its not as easy as it sounds up there.

In fact, after a pleasant stroll around town, I realized that my best bet for entertainment was to pretend to walk into the ladies restroom at the train station by mistake.  But once I had done that 5 or 6 times I was back to square one.

As usual, it wasn't long before I found myself at convenience store looking for booze. The city's only convenience store as it would happen. A Newdays outlet. 

Like most frequent conbini visitors, over time, I have built up quite an aversion to Newdays.

Operated as a subsidiary of East Japan Railways, they are normally located inside station terminals, protected from competition from other chains. Commuters are hence a captive audience with no option but to shop or wait. Understandably, most sensible people don't build up any loyalty to the brand the way they do to Family Mart or Lawson 

Despite this, admirably, Newdays normally run a very tight ship.

But not up north in Yonezawa they don't.

Pyongyang flavored sandwiches and onigiri for all.

No food, but thankfully a lovely drawing of Goofy. Even if he was a bit hard of hearing on the left side.

Mercifully, they also had an extensive range of Hello Kitty souvenirs. Maybe the best I have seen north of the capital.

The convenience store also had a 5 meter statue of a samurai warrior at the entrance.

Extensive Hello Kitty baubles selection. 25 foot samurai doll. No food.

Keep up the god work Newdays.

A Quick Single…

A guy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said the guy "she burns everything else!"

Zama Politics

Strolling about in the paddy fields the other day in Zama, just outside of Ebina, in the fair prefecture of Kanagawa.

Like most people, I am a bit of a student of Japan’s omnipresent electoral posters. Most are run of the mill, but some can be quite entertaining you know.

I was therefore very happy to spot this little gem by Mr. Hikaru Hasegawa. Your local Assembly man if you happen to live in this place called Zama.

Although I don’t know too much about Mr. Hasegawa or his policies, I think we can safely assume he holds a pretty safe seat. Looking at his poster, I just didn’t get a sense that he is overly concerned at the prospect of fighting the next election campaign.

Eventually I realized that it is all part of Hasegawa-san’s strategy to drive traffic to his website. Take me for example, I wasn’t home two minutes before I was on his website keen to see if his nose really did look way.

My hopes were dashed though, as it turns out he has quite normal shaped nostrils, nothing like the poster.

These disappointments soon took a backseat to my concern over Mr. Hasegawa’s horrendous necktie. I remember seeing the exact same one- At The Daiso Y100 shop back in 1997.

Mr. Hasegawa: For the love of god, starting tomorrow please let your wife pick out your ties. The one you have on looks like road kill.

He did manage to win me back with possibly the site’s only redeeming feature: a paid banner advertisement at the top of the page flogging Y990 domain names. It’s not often you see that these days in politics. Very classy.

What you see is what you get. Questionable taste.

A Quick Single…

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you dirty cunt!!"

A Quick Single…

This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I don't know what type he uses." "Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks. "No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."

Going Belly Up

I was taking a stroll around Kabukicho the other day. Gawking at all the latest trends in Pilipino hookers, pawnshops, and androgynous looking man-boy hosts.

That sought of stuff.

And then one particular establishment caught my eye. A lovely little Fugu (puffer fish)  Restaurant that was good for a bit of a giggle.

I was about to go in for a bit to eat, when I spied this little fellow taking a rest on the bottom of the tank.

Given that most Fugu fish probably contain more poison than you could poke a stick at, I was surprised that a restaurateur would have a dead one in his front window.

I’m also not normally a fish guy, so I was also intrigued at the new varieties of fugu on display.

I can just imagine the poor old employees inside:

Waiter: “Gosh, it’s a bit slow around here tonight eh,”
Chef: Don’t tell me you forgot the 営業中 sign again did you?”
Waiter: “Nah, it went out hours ago. Maybe the ice skating is on television again?”
Chef: “Really, not bloody Mao-chan again. She murders our sales you know.”
Waiter: “Yeah that’s probably it. The figure skating!.”
Chef: “Ill put the kettle on. Fancy a cup?”
Waiter: “God, I thought you’d never ask.”

Chef: Have you seen that nice white cup I won at pachinko? Cant seem to find it anywhere.”

Pining for the fiords in Shinjuku.

A Quick Single…

Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Thats the spirit!"

Far Too Many Testes

Strolling along Omotesando again the other day scratching my balls when I happened across the horrendous spectacle of these two tragic specimens.

It appeared to be some sort of low budget photo shoot for a magazine or newspaper, but upon closer inspection it was immediately obvious that it wasn’t a story for one of the bigger ones like The Economist, or Time Magazine.

Yes, you’ve probably noticed why too. Just look at the way the photographer has framed the shot from the northwest by positioning the subjects with their backs to the early morning sun.

Any professional news photographer with experience working on that part of the boulevard would know it is at least 11:45am before the sun is high enough to rise over the zelkova trees and prevent the kind of shadow creep seen here.

But seriously though, I suspect that poor lighting is the least of the photographer’s problems here if she is aiming to get some usable shots here. Probably better to have left the lens cap still on.

Already very confused at the sight of 2 fully grown adult women standing in the middle of the road dressed head to toe in strawberry shortcake like outfits, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I moved into take a closer look and realised that these particular ladies had significantly more penises and testicles than your average female.

A bonus giggle was also had when the two pink things eventually nearly got run over by a dump truck driving through their photo shoot.

The truck drivers look of bewilderment turned into mild disgust as he also realized the two pink figures were actually blokes. Priceless.

I suppose its just goes to prove something I have said in these pages more times than I care to remember. Forget homophobia, and conservative attitudes etc. etc., the biggest enemy of the transvestite is the twin threat of chin stubble and the Adams Apple.

Gas

I got a bit of a shock the other morning whilst walking down Omotesando and into Meiji Dori towards Shibuya.

There I was, meandering along, minding my own business. Trying to decide where to have lunch now that Wendy’s has closed. When out of nowhere, amongst the Armani, Chanel, and LVMH bling I spied this establishment. 

Yes, you saw that correctly.

Needless to say, I didn’t bother going in.

If we ever needed proof that all the good brand ware names are already taken, I think we now have it.

Gas.

I am not sure if the proprietor realized this before deciding on the name, but the Japanese people decided a long time ago that the word ‘gas’ would be interchangeable for a word in English known commonly as….fart.

Just think about that for a moment. Picture yourself walking down your local high street or strip mall and being confronted with this.

Or even this?

Would you go in?

Yeah, me too.

Like my father, these guys have the Gas look, and the Gas reputation.

Pull my finger.

A Quick Single…

Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only...

Roppongi Rumors

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

In general, I tend to look down my nose at girls who are willing to sell themselves. I’m not just referring to prostitutes, but also hostesses, escorts, strippers, exotic dancers etc. etc. I can help but feel uncomfortable in their presence and am always amazed and confused at their boundless levels of self-confidence.

Although hostesses and escorts perform an entertainment based role markedly different from that provided by a prostitute, obviously everybody has a price, and like most thinking people I would wager that many of the poor creatures in buffer area roles do eventually cross over into prostitution. Even if only for the benefit of an important client or very select clientele.

I was therefore quite confused to recently find myself in admiration of their ingenuity and business acumen. Ill tell you why in a minute.

Like most people I have always found the large pet emporium just off Roppongi Crossing quite odd.

After all, the area is an adult entertainment precinct populated by sleazy bars, hostess clubs, all night disco techs, flashy restaurants, ‘Gentlemans’ Clubs, and lots, and lots of other things.

The commercial rents in that area must appalling high, especially after the Midtown Complex opened in 2007. How could an ordinary pet shop possibly hold its ground? It also keeps really weird hours, opening to all hours of the night. Getting back to the girls.

In Japan it is customary for regulars to offer their favorite hostess a present each time they visit. Although this is normally only a cheap, shiny trinket, sometimes it can extend to expensive items like jewelry. Mostly the girls drop hints as to something they have had their eye on. At the height of the bubble economy it was not unheard of for the best girls to even receive apartments, cars and overseas travel.

While jewelry, fur coats, and weekend trips to Paris are all very well, everybody knows that a working girl’s best friend is cash. And this is where the pet shop comes in.

If rumors are to be believed, recently it seems, many enterprising young ladies are increasingly likely to ask their besotted visitors to buy them a cute little puppy or kitten from the pet shop, often for as much as JPY10,000-200,000. They then return them in exchange for a cash sum renegotiated with the pet shop in advance of the purchase.

Not bad if its true.

It sure would be interesting to find out who actually owns that pet shop. Care to hazard a guess?

A Quick Single…

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.

The Decline of Celebrity Sexual Scandal

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

 So Tiger Woods would appear to be a considerably different man to that of his public persona. It would also appear he has let his loved ones down badly, and inflicted irrecoverable damage on his character, reputation and earning capacity.

  

But rather than feeling angry and disappointed like so many fans seem to be, given my deep love of celebrity sexual scandals, I cant help but feel a debt of gratitude to Woods for the great deal of personal pleasure to be derived from his present circumstance.

Maybe its because I grew up in a very normal and stable home, but when I was a little boy, the sexual indiscretions of celebrities and high profile politicians were so much more entertaining than they are nowadays. They used to be exactly that- Scandalous. They were highly entertaining and always worth a second look. Good for a bit of a giggle anyway if nothing else.

I am talking about events such as Lady Dina, wife of the future king of the Great Britain and all its empire screwing English Rugby Captain Will Carling. Or the time Woody Allen married his Stepdaughter Soon-Yi in 1997!

How about when Princess ‘Fergie’, Sarah Duchess of York* was photographed copping a toe job from an American banker in 1992!! 

And who could forget the fabulously reliable Lord Archer.

Ah, yes. Then there was the time Prince Charles was caught on his cell phone telling that horsy sloan Camilla he wanted to be her tampon!! Scandalous!   

How about President Bill Clinton giving his intern a good seeing to with a cigar before ejaculating on their dresses in the oval office midway through his first term?! Fantastic!

The list goes on and on. Spoiled for choice we were!

Even my parent’s generation were lucky enough to be blessed with high quality sexual scandals! Take Marilyn Monroe getting stuffed and snuffed by JFK, or his brother Teddy Kennedy abandoning a girl at the bottom of a river after he crashed his car drunk.

And so what have the last 10 years thrown up? Nothing of note as far as I am concerned.

Now that Michael Jackson is gone, it would seem even the most sleaziest of tabloids are filled with half stories about some actress seen snogging a co-star in a nightclub, or some on-again-off-again romance between a washed up boy band dancer and a two-bit fashion designer…

Sure I will admit there have been some exceptions. Michael Jackson and Britney can hold her heads up high. Paris Hilton made a movie. French President Sarkozy also deserves a mention for marrying an Italian supermodel whilst in office only months after a divorce.

But while each of these mavericks have all turned in high quality performances, I think most seasoned observers would admit they represent the exception rather than the rule.

Problem is that celebrities are under the microscope as never before and are aware that any slip up, no matter how slight, is directly detrimental to their reputation, earning capacity, and longevity.

Dark days indeed, and until good old Eldrick Tont Woods life turned pear shape, I was beginning to believe the celebrity sex scandal was an endangered or even extinct species.

Lets take a look back at the highlights so far.

The mysterious car crash in the secretive gated community!!

The mysterious car crash in the secretive gated community!!
As many as 20 alleged mistresses!!
The 18 holes jokes!!
The wife attacking him in the street with his own golf clubs!!
The bogus press reports saying the wife had dragged him from the car!!
Tiger’s obsession for white women with big tits!!
His caddy and closest friend’s jaw dropping denial he knew anything!!
Tiger’s balding forehead!!
The desperate answering machine message!! Delete!!! Delete!!
The speculation surrounding the divorce payout! (I’m guessing $120mln)
The wife’s mom being rushed to hospital after collapsing!!
The porn star mistress!!
A veteran of 86 movies no less!!
The sordid admission of sexual addiction!!
The flimsy expressions of support from his sponsors!!
The same sponsors rushing for the exit 5 minutes later!!
Tiger posing topless on Vanity Fair half way through!!
The British mistress’s comments regarding the size of his package!!
Uncomfortably being voted “Sportsman of the Decade” halfway through!!
The pathetic, TV interview by money-grabbing mistress #2 Jamie Grubbs apologizing to the wife!!
The extended cover-up by the National Inquirer!!
Tiger taking his wife to a restaurant whilst his waitress mistress’s was on shift!!

And most of all….YES…..

The revelation that he was caught on film screwing some slapper from behind in a church car park!! OUT SIDE THE CAR!! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!

OH THE UNBRIDALED, UNPARRALLED JOY OF IT ALL!!!!

Such a breath of fresh air! Suddenly it is just like old times again! Surely no celebrity since Michael Jackson has openly volunteered such a quantity and quality standard of scandal based entertainment with such reliability.

This is a level of pleasure that only other hard core fans of gutter tabloids rags like The National Enquirer, Britain’s ‘The News of The World’ will be capable of understanding.

In closing this post, please allow me to leave you with a prediction. Although many that know me will be surprised to hear this I am going to say it anyway, for I believe it to be true.

By the time this whole epoch changing situation has run its course it will have been more entertaining than the final 16 years of Anna-Nicole Smith’s life.

We aren’t quite at that level yet, but it is possible.

* Bonus giggle: Fergie’s Wikipedia page currently lists the former duchess as: "Charity patron, spokesperson, writer, film producer, television personality and former member of the British Royal Family"