Japanese Jewish Scene in Tokyo

Guest Blog by: tJIoGT Department of Zionic Studies, Visiting Prof. Abraham Cohen.

I was recently in Tokyo of all places on Shabbat, and wanted to go to a synagogue for services. At first I strongly doubted that there would be a synagogue anywhere in Tokyo, but much to my surprise, the hotel concierge directed me to a synagogue not too far from the hotel.

I entered the synagogue and was surprised to see that everyone there was classically Japanese in appearance: the rabbi, the cantor and all of the congregants had typically Asian features. Their pronunciations of the Hebrew service were a bit off (Balukh atah... merekh ha-oram), but other than that, the service they performed was just like the one at my own synagogue back home.

After the service, I went up to the rabbi to tell him how much I enjoyed the service.

The Japanese rabbi said to me, "Thank you! Are you Jewish?" And I confirmed that I was. The rabbi said...

"Funny, you don't look Jewish."

Why Is India So Backwards?

I recently had the grave misfortune to travel to India. Anyone who has been to India will know already that I didn't enjoy myself at all.

While I intend to make this trip a running theme on these pages over the course of ensuing months, let me begin by saying that I have never been a particular fan of India, Pakistan, or any of those other countries. I am sure you know the ones I am talking about.

Having spent a decade living in, and adapting to a society that places extreme importance on:

Personal hygiene and cleanliness;
An abhorrence of being outdoors whilst bare feet;
A never ending, relentless pursuit of improved toilet hygiene;

I was nonetheless disappointed to be in India.

I should have known something was up when I arrived at the departure gate where the Air India jet was waiting for me.

At first, nothing looked out of place on the surface of things, but look a bit closer.

The big problem I  initially had with this machine was that odds are it had probably spent a fair amount of its lifespan being maintained, serviced, and operated by, well I'll just say it, Indians. I am sure any reasonable person would agree, Indians are not known for their attention to detail or tecichal capacity are they? Granted, for some reason, they seem to be very good with computers, and running call centers, but not much else.

For whatever reason, it seemed to have a lot of paint chipped off its nose. I know its only superficial, but I always like looking at all the different paint designs employed by world carriers when I go to the airport. It relaxes me.

India, if you cant even get the paint job right, what else is going to be wrong with the plane?

Maybe the pilots just hit a lot of birds (definitely not good), or maybe the tarmac approach man with the ping pong paddles in New Delhi is rubbish at estimation and often has the planes nudging into the arrival terminal on approach. Who knows? In any case would it kill them to touch up the paint job.

Its not as if they are working during the stopovers. The pilots were in the cockpit sleeping, having put newspaper, yes, newspaper up against the windows to give themselves a bit of privacy.  Get a load of it. All class.

Once up in the air, I got a bit of a shock at the stewardess's outfit. It was a Indian sari gown thingy that exposed their mid rift. My stewardess woman was old and fat so it was all very offputting. To top it off she also refused me alcohol service on the grounds that I already had a drink. Fair enough, I did, but it wouldn't have killed her to waddle off to the galley and bring me another one.

Touch down in Delhi. The first thing that hits you is the smell. Fair enough, you get used to it after to 3 or 4 days, but at first it is very ordinary. You know how you smell when you are say, camping and you have to go 2 days or more without a shower? Thats how the entire country smells.

Before I offend anyone, please allow me to reiterate that was not intended as an insult. It is an undeniable, irrefutable, objective statement of fact. 

The entire country smells like a bum hole.

Rainy Season Thoughts

Well, well, well. Summer is here at last. Cant say I am the least bit happy about the arrangement, but like most salary men, I am pressing on regardless. I am sure the Japanese will find a way someday to avoid inconveniences such as summer. Once they put their minds to it, I am sure it can be achieved quickly. Look at what they have done with their transportation system, and mastery of high technology.

Isn't it amazing how everything springs to life at this time of year. In fact, at times it seems as though there is something popping out of every nook and cranny. Everything seems to be new again. This is probably one of the reasons I love it so much. The rain is a bit of a problem though, especially when one forgets one's umbrella, or there isn't one that can be readily stolen. I often think it would be great if Japanese companies like Hitachi, or Sharp could use their technology to make it so it only rains at night. Wouldn't that be great! In any case it would be much better than the current arrangement we have.

Plants in Japan during the rainy season sure are amazing too. Some grow at an enormous pace, taking over entire garden beds in what seems like only a few days.

As is the case with most Japanese people, I am a tremendously keen gardener. I have a few bonsai and even a couple of planter pots on my balcony. It helps me to maintain a bond with nature and nice atmosphere at my house.

I am not the only one keen on getting my hands dirty in the garden. Check out these photographs I took recently whilst walking about in Shinjuku.

A lovely mix of decorative and naturally occurring foliage if ever there was one.

Sometimes there are trees in these gardens. Often though, their leaves fall everywhere ad cause a right mess. If you are going to trim them back a bit like this one, its best to get in as early as possible. If you are genuinely serious about trimming them back and getting any wayward branches that could cause problems in early summer, then its best to start as early as possible.

Another problem many municipal councils have in Japan is city tree roots spreading every which way and upending roads and other paved public spaces like this one in Yokohama. 

Just goes to show what can be done a little bit of effort. Look at that paving. It doesn't keep itself level you know.

The final word has to go to this effort, once again from Shinjuku-ward.

Quite a fair bit of potential on display here. Much like me, its best days are either clearly in front of it, or well  and truly behind it. Very hard to tell at this stage.

Tokyo Urban Decay

There is a Danchi housing estate complex in Tokyo that walk through every night to shave 5 minutes off my commute. If you don't know what a Danchi is, then good for you. Just picture the British council estates in The Bill or 'The Projects' in the US, minus of course the crime, drugs, and violence.

 

Even in the darkness I have always been utterly captivated by its sheer ugliness.

  

Ive always wanted to have a good look at it in the daylight so this morning I got up really early and spent 30 minutes walking through it. Given the early hour, it was absolutely deserted and deathly quite.  

I am not sure if too many people actually live there anyway.  Certainly no one who that wants to anyway.

  

The waist high grass and weeds, the diabolical looking Soviet cookie cutter design, to be completely honest the whole lonely scene reminded me that abandoned city of Prypiat that was abandoned in the Ukraine after the '86  nuclear meltdown in Chernobyl.

  

Even though there are some signs of habitation like lights at night, the whole place gives off a stench of decay, despair, and neglect.

The grass is overgrown to a meter or so in most parts, adding to a feeling of abandonment. Like something out of eastern Europe before the iron curtain fell.

What people there are seem to be getting on with it the best they can. I certainly hope none have to stay longer absolutely necessary.

 All throughout the complex there seems to be an intense battle being waged between the decorative plants and flowers placed by humans, and the naturally occurring forest flowers, weeds, and waste high grass.

  

Despite the beauty of these flowers, the strangest thing happens. Somehow the foul, decrepit atmosphere of the housing complex manages to pollute their radiance. It was sort of like looking at a beautifully crafted designer bag by Louis Vuitton or Gucci for sale in a pawn shop. Somehow, it just seemed cheap and dirty.

As if to rub peoples nose in it further, the city has installed a playground fashioned from industrial use concrete tubing, steel scaffolding pipes, and old tires.

 

There is a river flowing nearby with all these strange, it has these huge industrial concrete blocks through it as though was an existing structure that the river is slowly eroding away. there before the river.

  

Walking past this place on my way to and from work everyday will be a good thing. I hope I never end up in a place like this.

Frank the Japanese Copper

Strolling about recently in Saitama recently, looking to enjoy a bit more of spring before it gets too hot for me to be walking about in the sun. If only there where more nice days like this.

As is often my fancy, this particular day had me heading towards a brand new shopping center. It was only 3pm but I was already half tanked on whisky.

It was then I met a very nice, young police sergeant. His name was Frank. Frank is in charge of a very safe, quite area next to the Shin-misato LaLaport.

Frank isn’t like other Japanese policemen. He never worries about hassling people about random bicycle checks, or gaijin cards. In fact he never even beats confessions out of suspects during undocumented interviews, or gropes high school girls in his time off.

Frank was exceptionally friendly and offered to give me a bird’s eye view of his precinct. We took off and were flying about for what seemed like hours.

I was lucky because Frank said he had enough whisky, and insisted I drink the rest all by myself.

Frank’s police box was perhaps the cutest, most non-confrontational police station I have ever encountered. Even Frank had to admit it was cute. And it was. Even by Japanese standards.

Even Frank’s Police car was cute. He said it gets excellent mileage.

He said he has would like to use the bicycle and mini scooter more, but his feet wont reach the pedals.

Thank you Frank! We salute you.

A Quick Single…

A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK?"

Pass Thy Salt and Thy Pepper

I was to be found lurking about in Sendagaya recently. You probably don’t care do you. I don’t blame you, because as it turns out Sendagaya is not nearly as good as you’d think.

In fact, I asked some other people who probably know a lot more about it than me, and definitely more than you, but they also said didn’t know where it was.

Despite this, I did find a very weird little shop selling salt and pepper shakers molded to look like popular religious charachters.

There were no one’s of Joseph. Come to think of it, isn’t it strange how Joseph isn’t really all that well known compared to the other characters from the Nativity. Everyone knows about the 3 wise men, and Mary and Baby Joseph of course, but no one seems to concentrate on Joseph.

He just blends in like the other guy in Wham, that dud Prince Edward, or that 5th guy in Arashi who just stands looking at the camera.

The bit that I like about this product is that it would in all likelihood appeal to both hard core Christians and atheists equally. An atheist would take great delight in a sacred Christian symbols being portrayed as condiment shakers, whilst a Christian would probably draw equal pleasure from receiving one under the Xmas tree. There aren’t many new products that can pull that off.

They don’t come cheap either. If you are willing to splash out on a top of the line Chrome plated Mary, it will set you back all of Y4725.

A Quick Single…

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful cunts. All I said was "hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!"

Dramatic Arts Scene

Guest Blog by: tJIoGT Department of Dramatic Art, Prof. Desmond Clary MA.

I would like to use this occasion to congratulate all the prospective undergraduates selected to progress through to the 2nd round of our 2010 Dramatic Arts Program performance auditions.

This exceptionally high standard of competition this year has ensured for an extremely difficult and laborious culling process. Those young men selected to proceed into the ensuing rounds of competition can expect things to stiffen up considerably. Possibly in ways their young minds cannot yet imagine.

On the down side though, failed candidates need not be deterred or discouraged by the shame that my rejection undeniably brings them and their families. Instead, I ask such people to remember that there entire careers lay ahead of them, and encourage them to pursue his or her studies at any one of the less prestigious, inferior institutions that litter our country’s academic landscape.

Of all the rejected candidates to have darkened my door so far this year though, one young man perhaps stands out in particular. A very brave and courageous man named Simon, whom as luck would have I decided to cull early on the opening day of the selection process.

Despite his obvious lack of talent he immediately stood out from the other candidates for he was the only applicant in a wheel chair. As he rolled himself onto the stage he introduced himself as Simon.

I was immediately captivated by his courage and said, “It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair – Do you mind if I ask you what happened?" To this Simon said, "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a terrible car accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed instantly, but I survived, trapped in the car for 4 hours and had to be cut free. Although the doctors had me in surgery for 18 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible” I said. “But I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

"No, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs directly onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 12 months, and I hope to be walking again someday."

I was taken aback by his optimism and said "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to do for your audition?"

Simon replied "Well, I am going to be Simon and Half-Uncle."

A Quick Single…

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"

Up Norf in Japan

Roving around in Yonezawa, northern Japan the other evening desperately looking for something to keep my mind occupied.

You'll have to take my word for it, its not as easy as it sounds up there.

In fact, after a pleasant stroll around town, I realized that my best bet for entertainment was to pretend to walk into the ladies restroom at the train station by mistake.  But once I had done that 5 or 6 times I was back to square one.

As usual, it wasn't long before I found myself at convenience store looking for booze. The city's only convenience store as it would happen. A Newdays outlet. 

Like most frequent conbini visitors, over time, I have built up quite an aversion to Newdays.

Operated as a subsidiary of East Japan Railways, they are normally located inside station terminals, protected from competition from other chains. Commuters are hence a captive audience with no option but to shop or wait. Understandably, most sensible people don't build up any loyalty to the brand the way they do to Family Mart or Lawson 

Despite this, admirably, Newdays normally run a very tight ship.

But not up north in Yonezawa they don't.

Pyongyang flavored sandwiches and onigiri for all.

No food, but thankfully a lovely drawing of Goofy. Even if he was a bit hard of hearing on the left side.

Mercifully, they also had an extensive range of Hello Kitty souvenirs. Maybe the best I have seen north of the capital.

The convenience store also had a 5 meter statue of a samurai warrior at the entrance.

Extensive Hello Kitty baubles selection. 25 foot samurai doll. No food.

Keep up the god work Newdays.