A Quick Single…

Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only...

Roppongi Rumors

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

In general, I tend to look down my nose at girls who are willing to sell themselves. I’m not just referring to prostitutes, but also hostesses, escorts, strippers, exotic dancers etc. etc. I can help but feel uncomfortable in their presence and am always amazed and confused at their boundless levels of self-confidence.

Although hostesses and escorts perform an entertainment based role markedly different from that provided by a prostitute, obviously everybody has a price, and like most thinking people I would wager that many of the poor creatures in buffer area roles do eventually cross over into prostitution. Even if only for the benefit of an important client or very select clientele.

I was therefore quite confused to recently find myself in admiration of their ingenuity and business acumen. Ill tell you why in a minute.

Like most people I have always found the large pet emporium just off Roppongi Crossing quite odd.

After all, the area is an adult entertainment precinct populated by sleazy bars, hostess clubs, all night disco techs, flashy restaurants, ‘Gentlemans’ Clubs, and lots, and lots of other things.

The commercial rents in that area must appalling high, especially after the Midtown Complex opened in 2007. How could an ordinary pet shop possibly hold its ground? It also keeps really weird hours, opening to all hours of the night. Getting back to the girls.

In Japan it is customary for regulars to offer their favorite hostess a present each time they visit. Although this is normally only a cheap, shiny trinket, sometimes it can extend to expensive items like jewelry. Mostly the girls drop hints as to something they have had their eye on. At the height of the bubble economy it was not unheard of for the best girls to even receive apartments, cars and overseas travel.

While jewelry, fur coats, and weekend trips to Paris are all very well, everybody knows that a working girl’s best friend is cash. And this is where the pet shop comes in.

If rumors are to be believed, recently it seems, many enterprising young ladies are increasingly likely to ask their besotted visitors to buy them a cute little puppy or kitten from the pet shop, often for as much as JPY10,000-200,000. They then return them in exchange for a cash sum renegotiated with the pet shop in advance of the purchase.

Not bad if its true.

It sure would be interesting to find out who actually owns that pet shop. Care to hazard a guess?

A Quick Single…

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. Or maybe just polish it all the time.

The Decline of Celebrity Sexual Scandal

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

 So Tiger Woods would appear to be a considerably different man to that of his public persona. It would also appear he has let his loved ones down badly, and inflicted irrecoverable damage on his character, reputation and earning capacity.

  

But rather than feeling angry and disappointed like so many fans seem to be, given my deep love of celebrity sexual scandals, I cant help but feel a debt of gratitude to Woods for the great deal of personal pleasure to be derived from his present circumstance.

Maybe its because I grew up in a very normal and stable home, but when I was a little boy, the sexual indiscretions of celebrities and high profile politicians were so much more entertaining than they are nowadays. They used to be exactly that- Scandalous. They were highly entertaining and always worth a second look. Good for a bit of a giggle anyway if nothing else.

I am talking about events such as Lady Dina, wife of the future king of the Great Britain and all its empire screwing English Rugby Captain Will Carling. Or the time Woody Allen married his Stepdaughter Soon-Yi in 1997!

How about when Princess ‘Fergie’, Sarah Duchess of York* was photographed copping a toe job from an American banker in 1992!! 

And who could forget the fabulously reliable Lord Archer.

Ah, yes. Then there was the time Prince Charles was caught on his cell phone telling that horsy sloan Camilla he wanted to be her tampon!! Scandalous!   

How about President Bill Clinton giving his intern a good seeing to with a cigar before ejaculating on their dresses in the oval office midway through his first term?! Fantastic!

The list goes on and on. Spoiled for choice we were!

Even my parent’s generation were lucky enough to be blessed with high quality sexual scandals! Take Marilyn Monroe getting stuffed and snuffed by JFK, or his brother Teddy Kennedy abandoning a girl at the bottom of a river after he crashed his car drunk.

And so what have the last 10 years thrown up? Nothing of note as far as I am concerned.

Now that Michael Jackson is gone, it would seem even the most sleaziest of tabloids are filled with half stories about some actress seen snogging a co-star in a nightclub, or some on-again-off-again romance between a washed up boy band dancer and a two-bit fashion designer…

Sure I will admit there have been some exceptions. Michael Jackson and Britney can hold her heads up high. Paris Hilton made a movie. French President Sarkozy also deserves a mention for marrying an Italian supermodel whilst in office only months after a divorce.

But while each of these mavericks have all turned in high quality performances, I think most seasoned observers would admit they represent the exception rather than the rule.

Problem is that celebrities are under the microscope as never before and are aware that any slip up, no matter how slight, is directly detrimental to their reputation, earning capacity, and longevity.

Dark days indeed, and until good old Eldrick Tont Woods life turned pear shape, I was beginning to believe the celebrity sex scandal was an endangered or even extinct species.

Lets take a look back at the highlights so far.

The mysterious car crash in the secretive gated community!!

The mysterious car crash in the secretive gated community!!
As many as 20 alleged mistresses!!
The 18 holes jokes!!
The wife attacking him in the street with his own golf clubs!!
The bogus press reports saying the wife had dragged him from the car!!
Tiger’s obsession for white women with big tits!!
His caddy and closest friend’s jaw dropping denial he knew anything!!
Tiger’s balding forehead!!
The desperate answering machine message!! Delete!!! Delete!!
The speculation surrounding the divorce payout! (I’m guessing $120mln)
The wife’s mom being rushed to hospital after collapsing!!
The porn star mistress!!
A veteran of 86 movies no less!!
The sordid admission of sexual addiction!!
The flimsy expressions of support from his sponsors!!
The same sponsors rushing for the exit 5 minutes later!!
Tiger posing topless on Vanity Fair half way through!!
The British mistress’s comments regarding the size of his package!!
Uncomfortably being voted “Sportsman of the Decade” halfway through!!
The pathetic, TV interview by money-grabbing mistress #2 Jamie Grubbs apologizing to the wife!!
The extended cover-up by the National Inquirer!!
Tiger taking his wife to a restaurant whilst his waitress mistress’s was on shift!!

And most of all….YES…..

The revelation that he was caught on film screwing some slapper from behind in a church car park!! OUT SIDE THE CAR!! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!

OH THE UNBRIDALED, UNPARRALLED JOY OF IT ALL!!!!

Such a breath of fresh air! Suddenly it is just like old times again! Surely no celebrity since Michael Jackson has openly volunteered such a quantity and quality standard of scandal based entertainment with such reliability.

This is a level of pleasure that only other hard core fans of gutter tabloids rags like The National Enquirer, Britain’s ‘The News of The World’ will be capable of understanding.

In closing this post, please allow me to leave you with a prediction. Although many that know me will be surprised to hear this I am going to say it anyway, for I believe it to be true.

By the time this whole epoch changing situation has run its course it will have been more entertaining than the final 16 years of Anna-Nicole Smith’s life.

We aren’t quite at that level yet, but it is possible.

* Bonus giggle: Fergie’s Wikipedia page currently lists the former duchess as: "Charity patron, spokesperson, writer, film producer, television personality and former member of the British Royal Family"

A Quick Single…

Q. How can you tell when an Aboriginal woman is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.

Harajuku Urban Intrigue

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

Harajuku is one of the few places in the world that is constantly changing at a break neck speed. It seems as though a day doesn’t go by without an amazing new shop opening where an old one failed. Somehow though it still somehow manages to maintain a laidback, small town feel.

No matter how much time people spend wandering about its twisting alleys, most tend to come away feeling they’ve missed seeing something important.

Its hip little shops, cafes, and salons, give it an edge over other places like Ginza and Omotesando which are slowly being developed into stale, boring open air strip malls.

Whilst there recently I stumbled onto these things.

They were standing guard outside a hip little shop having been constructed out of an unfamiliar species of moss held in shape by nearly a very fine thread.

The thread was almost invisible to the naked eye and impossible to detect unless you got very, very close.

They were living and breathing and attracting a lot of attention on another fine day in Tokyo.

More Anal Retension

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Director of Clinical Nursing Care, Mrs. Elizabeth Ronaldson.

Aged care patients are for the most part extremely placid old specimens. Most are content to see out their days engaged in the lively program of events arranged to keep them occupied between naps and their frequent accidents.

For some seniors though, the adjustment to RHS (Retirement Home Speed) can be fraught with danger and peril. As many new residents have led extremely active lives until only recently, they can hence be very reluctant to relinquish their independence. Unfortunately it is not unusual in many such cases for their frustrations to be taken out on the staff working to care for them.

I was reminded of this recently during a recent surprise site visit. One particular man had been having a particularly difficult time adjusting to his new surroundings and was by all reports treating the nursing staff very badly.

Most nurses had been doing their best to ignore his constant rudeness and insults but it wasn’t long before most decided they wouldn’t have anything to do with him.

As it transpires, the head matron eventually decided that enough was enough and took matters into her own hands. Shortly before my visit she stopped by the cranky man’s room and announced “I need to take your temperature.” After complaining for around 10 minutes the man finally calmed down and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry”, the Matron said, “For this his reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” The man was obviously unimpressed, but finally consented to roll over and submit to the test.

After feeling the thermometer inserted inside him, the man heard the Matron say “ I have to get my clip board. So you just STAY LIKE THAT until I get back.”

She then left the door open on her way out and returned to her office.

For much of the next 30 minutes until I arrived, the cranky old man was apparently left cursing under his breath as a steady flow of passersby sniggered at the sight of his bare bottom.

Having noticed me in the hallway, the man angrily grunted, “What’s the matter, Doc? You’ve never seen a patient having their temperature taken before?” After a long pause I confessed, “Well I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”

Seduction!–An Illustrated History Of The Pick Up Line

Guest Blog filed by: tIoGT Department of Linguistics, Syntax, and Semantics, Prof. (Emeritus) Pam McMahon D.Sc.PT

The below passage is an unedited transcript that appears in my new forthcoming book “Seduction!–An Illustrated History Of The Pick Up Line” Published by tIoGT University Press - $14.99

......My weary head was racing from the lights, sounds and temptations I’d left behind on the casino. I pulled up a seat and steadied myself. It was the type of deserted, dingy cocktail lounge that only existed in Las Vegas at 2:30am. I was alone except for the usual small sprinkling of drifters and chancers.

It was then I noticed him two tables down. A finely dressed southern gent with the genuine look, demeanor and slow drawl so common in the classic 1950’s films of an era long since past.

He beckoned the waitress towards him with kindly casual wave and said, “Missy, y'all sure are a lurvly, lurvly lady... can ah persuade y'all to give me some ass?"

Although the young girl was taken aback, she managed to gasp, "Lord, you good old boys certainly don’t waste any time! That must be the most direct proposition I've ever had!". It was to therefore with to my surprise that after looking around the room, she grinned and said, "Sure, why not? I like confidence in my men, and it’ll be dead slow for a while here anyway. Why don't we just slip away up to you room?"

When the couple returned around 20 minutes later, the southern gent sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Can I get you anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure do 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real gracious and right neighbourly, but y’see where ah a come from in Al'bama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for some ass for mah drink."

Doing It By The Book

Guest Blog Filed by: Chief of tIoGT Campus Police, Snr. Sgt. Randy Macklin

I haven’t always been in the security game you know. Before heading up campus security here, I was for a time gainfully employed in the services of the National Marine Fisheries Service. And it was a time in my life that allowed me to combine my two great passions-recreational sailing, and law enforcement.

One morning whilst on patrol, I happened across a vessel anchored around 3 or 4 nautical miles off shore. I noticed the sole occupant was a Caucasian female in her early 30’s. Upon approaching the boat from the south-west I inquired "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing out here today?"

She advised that after her husband had returned earlier that morning after a fishing trip, she had decided to take the boat out. She had motored a few miles off shore where apparently it was her intention to either take a nap after reading a few chapters of her book.

She still had all the fishing gear in the boat, and being in a fairly irritable mood naturally I said "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area."

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading my book?" she replied. Given her surly tone I once again informed her "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area." "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," I quickly replied. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

I said "Have a nice day ma'am," and left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

The Sex Life My Taxi Driver

Filed by: tIoGT Director of Navigational Robotics Engineering and Safety, Mr. David Robertson

The global nature of technical innovation in today’s world, and the diverse role played by tIoGT and other leading incubators of advanced robotics technology means I regularly have the opportunity to interact with a broad number of affiliate organizations throughout the international academic community.

While I enjoy the travel and interaction this grants me, sometimes it feels as though I spend half of my life at the airport, and the other half caught in traffic as my preferred chauffer Trevor whisks me towards it.

Trevor is a fine man. Definitely one of the finer drivers we have working in tIoGT the taxi pool. Like most of the drivers there he works long hours and holds down several jobs to make ends meet.

Often after dropping me at the airport, there are also times when he is able to also earn a few extra dollars by ferrying a newly arrived traveler into the city on the return trip. Not that it bothers me of course. It is after all a harmless abuse of Institute equipment.

During one such evening several weeks ago Trevor tells me was on his way back in from the airport when he noticed an arm waving him down from a dark roadside alley.

On this particular night the weather was terrible and it had been raining non-stop for several hours.

As he pulled his taxi up to the curve a mysterious figure quickly jumped into the taxi and slammed the door.

Looking into his rear view mirror Trevor was startled to see a dripping wet, naked lady sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he asked. "Pearmont Road", answered the woman. "OK", he said, as he again glanced at her in the mirror. Second time around though the woman took offence at Trevor’s leering and asked angrily, "What the hell do you think you’re looking at?"

"Well lady", replied Trevor, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was wondering how you'll pay your fare."

Hearing this the lady spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat of Trevor’s taxi and smiled as she said, "Does THIS answer your question driver?"

Still looking in the mirror, Trevor asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Letter of Recomendation

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

I was fannying about on the Internet the other day wasting my day as usual when I came across this clever piece of work. It was so good in fact that I immediately decided that I should steal it to share with everyone here at The Institute. Please enjoy.

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: the idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Sampling The Sweet Delights of Lady Vegas

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Chaplain Fr. David Sarsbury 

I was lucky enough to recently travel to Las Vegas to participate in a large religious themed convention held every 2 years in Las Vegas, Nevada. The convention is a major draw card for many self-styled evangelists and tech savvy religious leaders like myself.

After checking into the resort casino complex I was staying at, I settled down to read in my room for a few hours ahead of the convention.

After passing a few hours this way, I headed down to the bar to join many of fellow conventioneers for a drink or two. It was there that I also managed to strike up a conversation with a pretty bar tender named Samantha.

We talked for some time, and as it would happen, she later agreed to share a drink with me in my room after her shift. One thing eventually led to another and I am not ashamed to say that I wasn’t long before we were undressing each other.

Partway through though, she seemed to be having seconds thoughts for she asked me, “Father Sarsbury, are you sure it is all right for us to be doing this? I mean, you’re a holy man?”

I simply replied “My sweet child, it is written in the Bible.” She took me at my word and we spent a very pleasant night together.

The next morning as we were both preparing to leave, the young lady turned to me and said “Father Sarsbury, I am having trouble remember that passage in the Bible you referred to last night. Could you show me?”

In response to this, I took the Gideon Bible from the nightstand, opened the cover and pointed to the relevant passage. To her surprise, there inside the cover, somebody had inscribed “The bartender puts out.”

Urban Intrigue in Roppongi

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

I was strolling about in Hinokicho Park, Roppongi at the Tokyo Midtown complex the other afternoon, enjoying everything the sunny winter’s day had to offer. Couldn’t help but think how lucky nearby residents are to have such a wonderful place close by.

I have been there many times but this time around I noticed something about the walking tracks that flow through the park’s wonderful Japanese gardens and reflection pond.

 I am a touch embarrassed to say I missed this in the past but the walking tracks feature the impression of fallen leaves and foliage pressed into the concrete base.

Given the level of detail shown in concrete I would guess that the impressions were left using molds or prefabricated blocks, rather than actual leaves pressed into the concrete.

Most of the leave impressions were also encircled by a ring of newer concrete, which probably means they were done after the paths were initially concreted in early 2007.

I sure hope it has been done fairly recently because I usually notice features like this, and would have been embarrassed to have missed it in the past.

I would be surprised if this was an original idea, but nonetheless, it is the first time I have seen it done.

Very effective, and supposedly very inexpensive as well. I am sure we will be seeing a lot more of this in the future.