Steaming Hot Tokyo Flesh

Things are definitely hotting up here in Tokyo, with the last few weeks particularly brutal. Japanese temperatures are nudging the mid 30’s in the mid afternoon, and the mid 40’s in my bum crack (around 100 farenhiet for the American’s without an adequate grasp of the metric system.)

(While I am on the topic, isn’t it amusing that however much American cultural imperialism embeds itself into every nook and cranny of our planet, the piss-weak, inferior, illogical system of measurement they stubbornly cling to remains universally shunned.)

Note to America: Miles, ounces, fahrenheit, pounds, quarts, inches and all the rest of it- you can stick it right up your bum.

While you are at it, also stick all the words you have invented to measure the various stages of education like freshman, elementary school, sophomore, and homecoming etc. Nobody understands them, or gives a damn, so don’t bother trying to explain them, Just stick em in ya bum.

At least somebody knows where to find information on the non metric system.

Lets get back on topic- summer heat. Just from walking around town speaking to, and eavesdropping on other Tokyoites this last week, it has become abundantly clear that many people have some pretty strange ways to keep cool.

Take Mrs. Jennifer Yamaguchi for example of Katsushika-ward, Tokyo. Her methods may be unorthodox, but at least she gets the result.

Probably be even more effective if she took the bottle cap of though.

For every one moron like Jennifer though, there are a thousand like Hiroshi here, of Bunkyo-ward. Hiroshi was one of dozens succumbing to the rising mercury during the post Tsuyu heat.

It wasn’t all bad for Hiroshi though as although he didn’t make it home, he did manage set a new posthumous Guinness record for the longest ass crack, eclipsing a very competitive field.

Another person I recently stumbled across was Anastasia of Yokosuka, a delightful eastern European Tokyoite also completely fed up with the July heat.

Anastasia tells me she normally makes a tidy living servicing off base US serviceman from the nearby navy base, but the summer heat has really been effecting business. “Once the mercury gets over 30, you can’t blame the guys for not wanting to come venturing off base for a handjob. It’s a lot of effort, and many are just preferring to just stay in an play Xbox or something” said Pamela.

By the way, its best to sit on Anastasia’s right side if you are down in Yokosuka for a handjob.

Anyway, so the summer heat is taking its toll on people, even journalists. Take yesterday for example, there I was sitting in my tatami room eating my muesli, as is my custom on Sunday mornings, when I opened up the paper and was confronted by this….

Yes I know. It’s absolutely appalling. Newspapers aren’t cheap anymore, and when I go to the trouble of having somebody deliver one, the least I expect is adequate, and professional typeface editing. As best I can estimate there are 9 (nine) font spaces open between this chap KIWEWEESI’s name, and his working title-PASTOR.

If I did that with a PowerPoint presentation at work, my boss would quite rightfully pull me up for it. It just comes down to either a) simple text alignment, b) taking half the longer word onto the next line, or c) popping an extra adjective or photograph in front of PASTOR.

Anyway, this put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and it was all I could do to somehow manage to enjoy my surf. It was my pre laundry day so I was in my briefs again.

Hideki Matsui Mystery

I was walking about in the park in front of the train station minding my own business as is my custom, the other afternoon. It was very hot and I was at the end of my tether. Here I am.

Although I did have my new red purse, and snoopy socks on so I was turning heads.

Tokyo is getting hot recently. I am not talking 2008 hot, because that was despicably hot, but it is only early days.

I have been thinking about the heat a lot lately.

When I was young and didn’t have any other choice but to put up with heat it really didn’t worry me. Now that I am successful and very particular in relation to my dislikes, I simply can’t find it in myself to give a rat’s ass for the heat anymore. The heat also makes my balls become this shape.

With the winter, you can just pop an extra layer on to get away from the cold. But not with the heat you can’t. There is no escape. It is always there. Every morning, ten minutes after stepping out the front door, the bum crack is on fire, the tattoos are melting, hair gel is disheveled, my back bathed in sweat on the train (half the time its not even my own sweat). By the time I finally get home, I look like something that crawled out of the sea.

Can you imagine living in one of those shitty countries like Indonesia, India, or Mexico closer to the equator with oppressive year round heat? No wonder nothing ever seems to get done in those dreadful type of places. Probably also explains why every time these places feature on a news broadcast news, every beggar in the footage looks alcoholic and in dire need of need of a bath or hose down.

So anyway, I was at a station, when I saw this poster with that pretty boy Hideki Matsui’s ugly mug plastered on it.

Look at the slogan, on the upper left hand side. I have yellowed out the last line, because I want you to guess what it is.

Go, on. Don't look yet, play my little game. What could it be.

I love baby, I love children…..

 

...I love teeth.

Besides the fact that the baby probably doesn’t have any teeth, Hideki’s are obviously false, and the poster is entirely in English, I have heard the poster campaign was a big success in Japan.

Note to Hideki: after a decade living in America it might be time to shell out for those English lessons you have always promised yourself. Best to wait until your baby’s broken ear recovers though.

Truth be told though, it did help to take my mind off the fact that my balls and bum crack were on fire.

Still Endangered After All These Years

As most people know, turtles suck pretty badly even at the best of times.

Even those massive ones they have at zoos and wildlife parks from the Galapogas Islands are only good for a few minutes entertainment. They are probably endangered too.

Taking his time as usual.

You often hear statistics about how many different species are disappearing each day, hour, and trimester etc. etc. Frankly though I wonder if any of these statistics really hold any water? I mean how do they finalize the numbers? It must all be half guesswork and other half bullshit because heaven knows it must be hard to do a gallop poll on all the animals.

Apart from being made up on the run, these dodgy statistics also never take into account the new species coming into existence. I hear the new species numbers are very high- as much as 34%.

Alas, like the stupid, boring old Galapogas turtles at your local petting zoo, most endangered species are still around. For some reason whenever I here anything about endangered species, it always seems to be the same old suspects like the giant panda or blue whale etc. that are still on the precipice. You know them. Its always the same ones.

This is especially true of those fucking pandas! Ever since I was a boy they have been on the verge of extinction. Message to pandas- Piss or get off the pot! But for some reason they still have credibility as an endangered species. For peats sake, they have even weaseled their way onto the WWF logo.

Why cant they leave gracefully like the dodo, the Tasmanian tiger, or all the dinosaurs- 3 species that have, from a PR/career perspective gone on to benefit enormously from their respective sudden, and tragic ends.

Digging a little deeper on this, we can also thank these 3 species for teaching us the only way to top the golden Sudden/ Tragic combo is with the third magic ingredient- Preventability. Take beloved characters like Elvis, Michael Jackson, JFK, Che Guevera, Heath Ledger, or Curt Cobain for example. Like the Dodo etc., all went out suddenly, tragically, and very preventably, at the top of the game- just the way we humans both adore and love it.

Getting back to those fat Panda bears, like everything else from China, I also think its pretty safe to say we have given them a pretty fair shake of our time, attention, and charity dollar. Why henceforth, shouldn’t they be assessed on performance and results like the rest of us punters?

Bullseye! Just what we needed, another Chinese.

If they haven’t got the goods to survive in the modern world, put em to work in the circus like all the other animals and lets see if we can get some of our money back.

Happy Bento Days

I dropped my Meiji Jingu the other day. For those of you that don't know what or where that is, please close this page and kindly never visit my site again.

It really is a nice place to take a stroll about. I used to have a job that involved strolling about taking pictures for a news letter once a month. It only used to take about 2 hours to take all my pictures, but you would be amazed at how long things can be stretched out if the weather is nice outside.

 I am sure nobody ever bothered reading my newsletter, but every month I dutifully created it. It was a pointless exercise, but it did allow me the opportunity to leave the office once a month and walk about some of the coolest areas of Tokyo. I did learn a lot about the best parts of the city, even if nobody did bother to read my news letter.

Every no and again, I would stop by Meiji Jingu to eat my bento. It was always very tranquil. I always used to sit down on one of these stools to eat my bento.

Which brings me to my question. Can you guess which one just by looking at the photo? I can bet frequent readers will have no problem. 

That's right, it was this one.

Once I had finished, I always used to do a lap of the grounds, never neglecting to stop by the pond to look at the nice ducks. They were always there waiting for me, and always nice to look at. Much better than being at work.

 There is also a massive grass lawn near the pond, that is one of the best kept secrets in Tokyo.

To find it, just look for the flagpole. It looks like this.

India: A Barbaric, Unpalletable Society

So there I was, walking around in New Delhi, or Bombay. I'm not exactly sure which one I went to, and frankly I don't care to know. Ill tell you something for nothing though, whichever one it was has got serious municipal hygiene problems. Chances are they both do though.

While I was only there for 10 days or so  I did have an opportunity to observe Indian religious practices in great detail.

 Before I go any further I should prefix these remarks by saying that I have very limited respect for the Hindu belief system. I just found it very questionable. Even more than the other mainstream religions. It just seems like a weird cult that somehow became really popular and is now out of control.

From what I was able to gleam from my chauffeur and guide, Indians look to three areas for their spiritual needs, Firstly yoga, then a blue lady with many arms, and a elephant person. Here are pictures of the last two.

As I said, very questionable.

There is also a 4th sphere relating to cows. My guide explained it, but I switched off halfway through. giving him my trademark blank look of disinterest counter balanced for the sake of appearances with lots of head nodding.

Indians don't eat beef. As a result of this, there are many cows roaming around their cities. Most are mangy, disease ridden, so not edible anyway. This is another reason why so many Indian cities smell really poorly.

Here is a picture I took at the train station. There was a cow on the platform. I don't know if it got on the train, but it probably could if it wanted to.  Note the monkeys as well. Like the cows and citizens, they also poo everywhere.

40degree heat.

Unwashed, unkempt, purulent Indian flesh.

Cows shitting wherever they please.

Just to illustrate this point again here is a picture taken of me (behind black) with a cow. Just out of coincidence, look at how many other cows are in the background.

Such an unpalatable society. God only knows how they managed to learn cricket and English. At least we can take solice in the fact that they do both poorly.

Japanese Jewish Scene in Tokyo

Guest Blog by: tJIoGT Department of Zionic Studies, Visiting Prof. Abraham Cohen.

I was recently in Tokyo of all places on Shabbat, and wanted to go to a synagogue for services. At first I strongly doubted that there would be a synagogue anywhere in Tokyo, but much to my surprise, the hotel concierge directed me to a synagogue not too far from the hotel.

I entered the synagogue and was surprised to see that everyone there was classically Japanese in appearance: the rabbi, the cantor and all of the congregants had typically Asian features. Their pronunciations of the Hebrew service were a bit off (Balukh atah... merekh ha-oram), but other than that, the service they performed was just like the one at my own synagogue back home.

After the service, I went up to the rabbi to tell him how much I enjoyed the service.

The Japanese rabbi said to me, "Thank you! Are you Jewish?" And I confirmed that I was. The rabbi said...

"Funny, you don't look Jewish."

Why Is India So Backwards?

I recently had the grave misfortune to travel to India. Anyone who has been to India will know already that I didn't enjoy myself at all.

While I intend to make this trip a running theme on these pages over the course of ensuing months, let me begin by saying that I have never been a particular fan of India, Pakistan, or any of those other countries. I am sure you know the ones I am talking about.

Having spent a decade living in, and adapting to a society that places extreme importance on:

Personal hygiene and cleanliness;
An abhorrence of being outdoors whilst bare feet;
A never ending, relentless pursuit of improved toilet hygiene;

I was nonetheless disappointed to be in India.

I should have known something was up when I arrived at the departure gate where the Air India jet was waiting for me.

At first, nothing looked out of place on the surface of things, but look a bit closer.

The big problem I  initially had with this machine was that odds are it had probably spent a fair amount of its lifespan being maintained, serviced, and operated by, well I'll just say it, Indians. I am sure any reasonable person would agree, Indians are not known for their attention to detail or tecichal capacity are they? Granted, for some reason, they seem to be very good with computers, and running call centers, but not much else.

For whatever reason, it seemed to have a lot of paint chipped off its nose. I know its only superficial, but I always like looking at all the different paint designs employed by world carriers when I go to the airport. It relaxes me.

India, if you cant even get the paint job right, what else is going to be wrong with the plane?

Maybe the pilots just hit a lot of birds (definitely not good), or maybe the tarmac approach man with the ping pong paddles in New Delhi is rubbish at estimation and often has the planes nudging into the arrival terminal on approach. Who knows? In any case would it kill them to touch up the paint job.

Its not as if they are working during the stopovers. The pilots were in the cockpit sleeping, having put newspaper, yes, newspaper up against the windows to give themselves a bit of privacy.  Get a load of it. All class.

Once up in the air, I got a bit of a shock at the stewardess's outfit. It was a Indian sari gown thingy that exposed their mid rift. My stewardess woman was old and fat so it was all very offputting. To top it off she also refused me alcohol service on the grounds that I already had a drink. Fair enough, I did, but it wouldn't have killed her to waddle off to the galley and bring me another one.

Touch down in Delhi. The first thing that hits you is the smell. Fair enough, you get used to it after to 3 or 4 days, but at first it is very ordinary. You know how you smell when you are say, camping and you have to go 2 days or more without a shower? Thats how the entire country smells.

Before I offend anyone, please allow me to reiterate that was not intended as an insult. It is an undeniable, irrefutable, objective statement of fact. 

The entire country smells like a bum hole.

Rainy Season Thoughts

Well, well, well. Summer is here at last. Cant say I am the least bit happy about the arrangement, but like most salary men, I am pressing on regardless. I am sure the Japanese will find a way someday to avoid inconveniences such as summer. Once they put their minds to it, I am sure it can be achieved quickly. Look at what they have done with their transportation system, and mastery of high technology.

Isn't it amazing how everything springs to life at this time of year. In fact, at times it seems as though there is something popping out of every nook and cranny. Everything seems to be new again. This is probably one of the reasons I love it so much. The rain is a bit of a problem though, especially when one forgets one's umbrella, or there isn't one that can be readily stolen. I often think it would be great if Japanese companies like Hitachi, or Sharp could use their technology to make it so it only rains at night. Wouldn't that be great! In any case it would be much better than the current arrangement we have.

Plants in Japan during the rainy season sure are amazing too. Some grow at an enormous pace, taking over entire garden beds in what seems like only a few days.

As is the case with most Japanese people, I am a tremendously keen gardener. I have a few bonsai and even a couple of planter pots on my balcony. It helps me to maintain a bond with nature and nice atmosphere at my house.

I am not the only one keen on getting my hands dirty in the garden. Check out these photographs I took recently whilst walking about in Shinjuku.

A lovely mix of decorative and naturally occurring foliage if ever there was one.

Sometimes there are trees in these gardens. Often though, their leaves fall everywhere ad cause a right mess. If you are going to trim them back a bit like this one, its best to get in as early as possible. If you are genuinely serious about trimming them back and getting any wayward branches that could cause problems in early summer, then its best to start as early as possible.

Another problem many municipal councils have in Japan is city tree roots spreading every which way and upending roads and other paved public spaces like this one in Yokohama. 

Just goes to show what can be done a little bit of effort. Look at that paving. It doesn't keep itself level you know.

The final word has to go to this effort, once again from Shinjuku-ward.

Quite a fair bit of potential on display here. Much like me, its best days are either clearly in front of it, or well  and truly behind it. Very hard to tell at this stage.

Tokyo Urban Decay

There is a Danchi housing estate complex in Tokyo that walk through every night to shave 5 minutes off my commute. If you don't know what a Danchi is, then good for you. Just picture the British council estates in The Bill or 'The Projects' in the US, minus of course the crime, drugs, and violence.

 

Even in the darkness I have always been utterly captivated by its sheer ugliness.

  

Ive always wanted to have a good look at it in the daylight so this morning I got up really early and spent 30 minutes walking through it. Given the early hour, it was absolutely deserted and deathly quite.  

I am not sure if too many people actually live there anyway.  Certainly no one who that wants to anyway.

  

The waist high grass and weeds, the diabolical looking Soviet cookie cutter design, to be completely honest the whole lonely scene reminded me that abandoned city of Prypiat that was abandoned in the Ukraine after the '86  nuclear meltdown in Chernobyl.

  

Even though there are some signs of habitation like lights at night, the whole place gives off a stench of decay, despair, and neglect.

The grass is overgrown to a meter or so in most parts, adding to a feeling of abandonment. Like something out of eastern Europe before the iron curtain fell.

What people there are seem to be getting on with it the best they can. I certainly hope none have to stay longer absolutely necessary.

 All throughout the complex there seems to be an intense battle being waged between the decorative plants and flowers placed by humans, and the naturally occurring forest flowers, weeds, and waste high grass.

  

Despite the beauty of these flowers, the strangest thing happens. Somehow the foul, decrepit atmosphere of the housing complex manages to pollute their radiance. It was sort of like looking at a beautifully crafted designer bag by Louis Vuitton or Gucci for sale in a pawn shop. Somehow, it just seemed cheap and dirty.

As if to rub peoples nose in it further, the city has installed a playground fashioned from industrial use concrete tubing, steel scaffolding pipes, and old tires.

 

There is a river flowing nearby with all these strange, it has these huge industrial concrete blocks through it as though was an existing structure that the river is slowly eroding away. there before the river.

  

Walking past this place on my way to and from work everyday will be a good thing. I hope I never end up in a place like this.