The First Job

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Director of Real Estate & Construction, Mr. Gavin Maybridge

I thought I would regale you with a tale I recently heard from a foreman currently overseeing the expansion of the Institute’s East McCarran Wing. I would hope it has something in it for everybody.







The tale begins when a young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.



One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.




The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."




They chatted with her, gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important, and let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks.




At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.




The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.




When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those fu*!ing c*#ts at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Institute Workplace Relations

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Vice-Chairman, Dr. Kenneth Martin DBA.
It will come as no surprise to my fellow senior managers that employee well being and satisfaction are paramount to the health of any organization. Despite this however, the current economic downturn and the ever-present threat, or even reality, of unemployment means many middle and lower level employees have gained a certain level of ‘flexibility’ in their attitudes towards maintaining employment. For those of us in senior management roles, this ‘flexibility’ presents many previously untapped opportunities for personal amusement.


During the recent Institute sponsored 2009 Senior Management ‘Retreat’ in Portugal, I had an opportunity over drinks to ask other captains of industry for the simple, yet highly amusing antics they are using to foster ‘goodwill in the workplace.’ I have listed them in my personal order of preference.


1. When addressing employees, add no inflection to the end of your sentences to produce awkward silences that give the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
 2. Insist that an employee finds out where a coworker shops, and buys exactly the same outfits. Always have them wear the outfits one day after their coworker does. (Note: this is especially amusing if employees are of different gender.)

3. Have employees page themselves over the intercom. (without disguising their voice.)

4. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and have employees reroute surrounding streets.

5. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

6. Staple meeting papers in the middle of the page.

7. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

8. In the memo field of all employee pay checks, write "For sensual massage."

9. Schedule meetings for 3:16pm & 2:41pm etc.

10. Insist employees dress as Cindy, Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children to bemused colleagues.

11. Send email to the rest of all employees telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Beyond 2000 The Future of Design - The Watermelon Cube

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Chief Technical Innovation Officer Warren Marthat BSc.














To coincide with The Institute's Center of Genetic Design 2010 retail release of the Square Watermelon, or The 'Melon Cube', this edition of ‘Beyond 2000 offers an insight into the evolution of the humble Citrullus lanatus.




The 'Melon Cube' was developed in conjunction with our project partners at the Japanese Ministry of Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries as part of our dual charter promoting Genetically Modified Foods.



Ministry minions busy themselves with the 2010 vintage.


In Japan, confined living spaces mean refrigerators tend to be smaller, and there is subsequent consumer demand for melons that fit squarely into refrigerator shelves.


Space is at a premium in the average Japanese refrigerator.


Institute scientists cunningly achieved the squared shape by placing the melon in a glass box whilst still on the vine.




Despite early setbacks, The Institute production process were able to successfully iron out the kinks and bring our 'Melon Cube' to market.



A file photo showing the Institute midgets enlisted to remove the seeds prior to shipping.


The 'Melon Cube' is mostly sold in Japanese department stores and high end supermarkets. Depending on the pedigree or location of the producer, can fetch anywhere upwards of Y10,000 (around US$90) Around 10 times that of a conventional watermelon.



Japan’s Ministry of Agriculture Lead Project Scientist, the charming Ms. Hiromi Nakamura puts a prototype through its paces.


Sadly, despite The Institute’s trademark and production process patent for the 'Melon Cube', unscrupulous copycats have been quick to mimic our early success.


Another barefaced dealer pushing a failed square attempt.


Established melon farmers arnt taking the squared melon's popularity lying down though. Markets are increasingly seeing an influx of low budget, mass produced imports. Although Japanese police are baffled as to how smugglers are bringing the oversized product to market, authorities are looking to question this character.


Where Are They Now? The Mormons

 Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Religious Affairs Correspondent, Phillip Harris
Joining me for this installment of ‘ Where Are They Now?’ is distinguished Theology Scholar and Institute Senior Fellow, Prof. Chris Martin.











Chris, Thanks for joining us.
Its Carl actually, and Prof. Martin to you.
Firstly, the Mormons. Religion or Cult?
Well Phil, its hard to say really. As religions go, its pretty ordinary. But if compared to the average cult, they really aren’t all that shabby I suppose.









And when did it kick off?
Around 1830 in America’s New England region. A 24 year old named Joseph Smith, Jr., received a visitiation from an Angel named Moroni informing him of a book of gold plates buried in a hill near his home. They were said to describe dealings between God and ancient Israelite inhabitants of North America.











You mean Native Americans?
Yes, a central contention of mormon beleif has it that Native Americans are actually decended from Hebrews in Jerusalem. The theory, Frank, is however completely inconsistant with molecular biology and recent genetic findings.
Its Phil. Getting back to the Golden Plates…
If they actually existed, they were translated by Smith into the The Book Of Mormon, the church’s sacred text. Mind you, it has its fair share of critics though. Religious scholars contend certain linguistic anacronisms in the book clearly proove it to be fabricated by Smith. It references animals, plants, metals and technologies that archiological or scientific studies cannot account for in pre-Columbian America such as elephants, cattle, horses, sheep, wheat, steel, brass, iron, and even chariots. Mainstream historians and archealogists also reject many of the civilisations and peoples it describes. Its first edition also contains hundreds of grammatical errors, all curiously removed in later editions.







Sounds a touch dodgy.
Yes. Smith claims he translated the plates from ancient Egyptian script by gazing at a stone at the bottom of his hat, or by using a set of stones spectacles. Surprisingly though, by command of the Angel, Smith couldn’t show these tools to anyone. Eventually the gold plates were returned to the Angel.
And what became of this Smith?
He was eventually beaten to death fairly unceremoniously by an angry mob in 1844.
Fairly tough crowd then?
Quite so. Even now, critisicsm of Mormonism focuses on, homophobia, racism, sexism, historical revisionism, inadequate financial disclosure and of course plural marriage. Joseph Smith himself married at least 32 women during his lifetime, including several under the age of 16, already married women, and orphans that came to live at his house. The Church also restricts temple admission to anyone not paying a tithe, and denies scholars access to many of its key church documents like Joseph Smith's diary. Former members have also revealed it suppresses the intellectual freedom of its scholars and maintains files on its members to monitor any ‘questionable activity’.
Quite a cross to bare then?
Not for this lot, they object to the use of the use or wearing of the cross due to its pagan origin and that it symbolism of Christ's torture and death.











And where do these damned clean cut boys on bikes then?
Every year the church dispatches over 50,000 missionaries who actually convert over 240,000 people into the Church of Latter Day Saints every year. Most converts belong to some form of Christian church and know very little about the church’s theology before converting.











Christ almighty! How many of these things are there?
Too many for most people’s liking. Around 13mln in total, 6mln of which are in the US. 12% of the world total live in the state of Utah, where they make up around 60% of the population. And they are growing fast. The average Mormon family is thought to consist of 4.5 children, far exceeding the US national average of 2.1%. Utah’s birthrate for example is around 40% higher than the national average.
And why Utah?
Well probably because it’s the first place never to expel them. After persecution in America’s New England region, they were driven from Ohio where Smith was tarred, feathered and narrowly escaped castration. In Missouri they were issued with a ‘Mormon Extermination Order’ by the Governor. They then settled in Illinois where Smith was assassinated. A majority of them then emigrated to an area of Mexico soon to become the Utah Territory.
I think we’ll leave it there Professor, theres somebody at your door.
Oh shit. Do you think they heard us? And your $#`*ing cars in the drive so they’ll know we’re in here. Answer it it will you Phil. Phil?

Open Learning Seminar

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Yuan Dynasty Scholar, Dennis Brown BSc (Hons) Ph.D.
Greetings to you. In this installment I have chosen to provide a translation of the Yuan Dynasty fable commonly known as Xia Xuan. An epic tale of love and betrayal with which I would hope regular Institute readers will already be familiar with.





So legend has it that a young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small Chinese house.


He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I"m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"



"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs dressed only in blue lingerie. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.


Remembering the old mans warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. Soon, fast asleep, as naked as the day he was born.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."



"Well, thats pretty crappy," he thought. "If thats the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Regional Affairs Report

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Regional Affairs Correspondent, Harris Chapman

Greetings to you again. There has been much talk here lately about a burnt out advertising executive who recently moved from back east. I haven't spoken to him personally, but the good word says he moved here after having his fill of the rat race. Apparently the little shack he bought had no electricity, no phones - no company.





He had read everything he could &, after a few weeks was getting a bit bored. One afternoon he saw the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old man got off a battered bike and put out his hand.



"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"
"Sounds great" said the ad-man.
"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."
"Sounds awesome" said the ad-man

"we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"
"I go alright" say the ad-man



"this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"
"Doesn't really matter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......



Mammograms

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Dentist, Dr. David Fields DMSc,
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test . Surprisingly, you can undertake each of these simple exercises right in and around your home.






EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.




EXERCISE TWO: Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turnover and repeat with the other breast.




EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

There. You are now totally prepared.