Up Norf in Japan

Roving around in Yonezawa, northern Japan the other evening desperately looking for something to keep my mind occupied.

You'll have to take my word for it, its not as easy as it sounds up there.

In fact, after a pleasant stroll around town, I realized that my best bet for entertainment was to pretend to walk into the ladies restroom at the train station by mistake.  But once I had done that 5 or 6 times I was back to square one.

As usual, it wasn't long before I found myself at convenience store looking for booze. The city's only convenience store as it would happen. A Newdays outlet. 

Like most frequent conbini visitors, over time, I have built up quite an aversion to Newdays.

Operated as a subsidiary of East Japan Railways, they are normally located inside station terminals, protected from competition from other chains. Commuters are hence a captive audience with no option but to shop or wait. Understandably, most sensible people don't build up any loyalty to the brand the way they do to Family Mart or Lawson 

Despite this, admirably, Newdays normally run a very tight ship.

But not up north in Yonezawa they don't.

Pyongyang flavored sandwiches and onigiri for all.

No food, but thankfully a lovely drawing of Goofy. Even if he was a bit hard of hearing on the left side.

Mercifully, they also had an extensive range of Hello Kitty souvenirs. Maybe the best I have seen north of the capital.

The convenience store also had a 5 meter statue of a samurai warrior at the entrance.

Extensive Hello Kitty baubles selection. 25 foot samurai doll. No food.

Keep up the god work Newdays.

A Quick Single…

A guy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said the guy "she burns everything else!"

Zama Politics

Strolling about in the paddy fields the other day in Zama, just outside of Ebina, in the fair prefecture of Kanagawa.

Like most people, I am a bit of a student of Japan’s omnipresent electoral posters. Most are run of the mill, but some can be quite entertaining you know.

I was therefore very happy to spot this little gem by Mr. Hikaru Hasegawa. Your local Assembly man if you happen to live in this place called Zama.

Although I don’t know too much about Mr. Hasegawa or his policies, I think we can safely assume he holds a pretty safe seat. Looking at his poster, I just didn’t get a sense that he is overly concerned at the prospect of fighting the next election campaign.

Eventually I realized that it is all part of Hasegawa-san’s strategy to drive traffic to his website. Take me for example, I wasn’t home two minutes before I was on his website keen to see if his nose really did look way.

My hopes were dashed though, as it turns out he has quite normal shaped nostrils, nothing like the poster.

These disappointments soon took a backseat to my concern over Mr. Hasegawa’s horrendous necktie. I remember seeing the exact same one- At The Daiso Y100 shop back in 1997.

Mr. Hasegawa: For the love of god, starting tomorrow please let your wife pick out your ties. The one you have on looks like road kill.

He did manage to win me back with possibly the site’s only redeeming feature: a paid banner advertisement at the top of the page flogging Y990 domain names. It’s not often you see that these days in politics. Very classy.

What you see is what you get. Questionable taste.

A Quick Single…

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you dirty cunt!!"

A Quick Single…

This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I don't know what type he uses." "Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks. "No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."

Going Belly Up

I was taking a stroll around Kabukicho the other day. Gawking at all the latest trends in Pilipino hookers, pawnshops, and androgynous looking man-boy hosts.

That sought of stuff.

And then one particular establishment caught my eye. A lovely little Fugu (puffer fish)  Restaurant that was good for a bit of a giggle.

I was about to go in for a bit to eat, when I spied this little fellow taking a rest on the bottom of the tank.

Given that most Fugu fish probably contain more poison than you could poke a stick at, I was surprised that a restaurateur would have a dead one in his front window.

I’m also not normally a fish guy, so I was also intrigued at the new varieties of fugu on display.

I can just imagine the poor old employees inside:

Waiter: “Gosh, it’s a bit slow around here tonight eh,”
Chef: Don’t tell me you forgot the 営業中 sign again did you?”
Waiter: “Nah, it went out hours ago. Maybe the ice skating is on television again?”
Chef: “Really, not bloody Mao-chan again. She murders our sales you know.”
Waiter: “Yeah that’s probably it. The figure skating!.”
Chef: “Ill put the kettle on. Fancy a cup?”
Waiter: “God, I thought you’d never ask.”

Chef: Have you seen that nice white cup I won at pachinko? Cant seem to find it anywhere.”

Pining for the fiords in Shinjuku.

A Quick Single…

Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Thats the spirit!"

Far Too Many Testes

Strolling along Omotesando again the other day scratching my balls when I happened across the horrendous spectacle of these two tragic specimens.

It appeared to be some sort of low budget photo shoot for a magazine or newspaper, but upon closer inspection it was immediately obvious that it wasn’t a story for one of the bigger ones like The Economist, or Time Magazine.

Yes, you’ve probably noticed why too. Just look at the way the photographer has framed the shot from the northwest by positioning the subjects with their backs to the early morning sun.

Any professional news photographer with experience working on that part of the boulevard would know it is at least 11:45am before the sun is high enough to rise over the zelkova trees and prevent the kind of shadow creep seen here.

But seriously though, I suspect that poor lighting is the least of the photographer’s problems here if she is aiming to get some usable shots here. Probably better to have left the lens cap still on.

Already very confused at the sight of 2 fully grown adult women standing in the middle of the road dressed head to toe in strawberry shortcake like outfits, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I moved into take a closer look and realised that these particular ladies had significantly more penises and testicles than your average female.

A bonus giggle was also had when the two pink things eventually nearly got run over by a dump truck driving through their photo shoot.

The truck drivers look of bewilderment turned into mild disgust as he also realized the two pink figures were actually blokes. Priceless.

I suppose its just goes to prove something I have said in these pages more times than I care to remember. Forget homophobia, and conservative attitudes etc. etc., the biggest enemy of the transvestite is the twin threat of chin stubble and the Adams Apple.

Gas

I got a bit of a shock the other morning whilst walking down Omotesando and into Meiji Dori towards Shibuya.

There I was, meandering along, minding my own business. Trying to decide where to have lunch now that Wendy’s has closed. When out of nowhere, amongst the Armani, Chanel, and LVMH bling I spied this establishment. 

Yes, you saw that correctly.

Needless to say, I didn’t bother going in.

If we ever needed proof that all the good brand ware names are already taken, I think we now have it.

Gas.

I am not sure if the proprietor realized this before deciding on the name, but the Japanese people decided a long time ago that the word ‘gas’ would be interchangeable for a word in English known commonly as….fart.

Just think about that for a moment. Picture yourself walking down your local high street or strip mall and being confronted with this.

Or even this?

Would you go in?

Yeah, me too.

Like my father, these guys have the Gas look, and the Gas reputation.

Pull my finger.