I recently came across this screenshot of somebody’s facebook wall. I haven’t laughed this much in a very long time. Please enjoy.
Quite good isnt it.
Caleb The Funny Bastard
Filed by: The author of IoGT
I recently came across this screenshot of somebody’s facebook wall. I haven’t laughed this much in a very long time. Please enjoy.
Quite good isnt it.
I recently came across this screenshot of somebody’s facebook wall. I haven’t laughed this much in a very long time. Please enjoy.Quite good isnt it.
The Last Request
Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Chaplian Fr. David Sarsbury
Sadly, it is not often enough that an organization as profoundly secular as the IoGT devotes space in these pages for matters of faith. While it would at times seem as though our readers are more attuned to the smut normally inhabiting my colleagues offerings, on this occasion as I have elected to recount an intriguing tale of conflict between one man’s personal sacrifice, and the decadent pleasures of the flesh and temptation.. I think there may be something in this for everyone.
As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel.
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers, "Big tits."
Sadly, it is not often enough that an organization as profoundly secular as the IoGT devotes space in these pages for matters of faith. While it would at times seem as though our readers are more attuned to the smut normally inhabiting my colleagues offerings, on this occasion as I have elected to recount an intriguing tale of conflict between one man’s personal sacrifice, and the decadent pleasures of the flesh and temptation.. I think there may be something in this for everyone.As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel.
She tells him that before he dies, god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his entire life. Despondent at first the Pope argues for a short time but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met.
"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!"
"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!"
"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body."
The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel.
The Pope whispers, "Big tits."
Mistaken Identity
I may be at the top of my game these days overseeing guest hospitality the IoGT, but things haven’t always been this good. It was a long climb to the top, and I’ve served all manner of clientele in all manner of settings. If I had to name one incident that really stands out in my mind it would be during the summer of 2004, when I was gainfully employed at an establishment known as ‘The White Lion’One day a very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked in and pushed her way fairly forcefully to the front of the bar.
I remember her raising her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed at the top of his voice "Give the ballerina a drink!"
I poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
I could tell the other patrons were a touch put off by this so I approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
Regional Affairs Report
Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Regional Affairs Correspondent, Aiden Roberts
With all that has been happening around these parts I guess you could say that I have been spoilt for choice in the lead up to this month’s Regional Affairs Report. I have managed to whittle it down to a tale about two of my very good friends Cletus and Walter, and a bovine they recently happened across. Strap yourself in for quite a ride.
The tale begins when the two gents recently saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a cow for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the cow the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the cow died last night."
Cletus and Walter replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead cow." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead cow?" said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead cow!" Walter said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Cletus and Walter at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead cow?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Cletus and Walter now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
The Good Doctor
Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Deputy Director of Medical Administration, Dr. Hugo Farringh BMSc.
Since joining the IoGT some 11 years ago, I have had ample opportunity through my countless after dinner speaking engagements to regale fellow senior industry professionals with the experience of my 2 decades in medical administration. The one story I think however best sums up the experience of myself and the average General Practitioner involves a former colleague Dr. David Williams.
Dr. Williams was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for the city, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the auditorium and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure and managed to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk receptionist asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Williams replied, "Well, young lady, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." “Why haven't you visited?" asked the receptionist clerk.
“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
As she passed him his room key the receptionist consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Williams replied, "Miss, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The receptionist asked, "Was it before or after the Williams Fart?"
Since joining the IoGT some 11 years ago, I have had ample opportunity through my countless after dinner speaking engagements to regale fellow senior industry professionals with the experience of my 2 decades in medical administration. The one story I think however best sums up the experience of myself and the average General Practitioner involves a former colleague Dr. David Williams.Dr. Williams was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for the city, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the auditorium and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure and managed to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk receptionist asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Williams replied, "Well, young lady, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." “Why haven't you visited?" asked the receptionist clerk.
“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
As she passed him his room key the receptionist consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Williams replied, "Miss, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The receptionist asked, "Was it before or after the Williams Fart?"
Aviation's New Golden Age
Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Commercial Aviation Consultant Mr. Thomas Bridges CCP
Emirates have been attracting a lot of attention in aviation circles of late. The Dubai based air carrier’s constant profitability and focus on a quality driven, luxurious experience contrasts markedly with standards at other leading airlines- where deep vein thrombosis, piss strewn toilet floors, and dried-up, hagged-out 47 year old battle-axe stewardesses sadly remain par for the course.
Often with mixed results….
Emirates have been attracting a lot of attention in aviation circles of late. The Dubai based air carrier’s constant profitability and focus on a quality driven, luxurious experience contrasts markedly with standards at other leading airlines- where deep vein thrombosis, piss strewn toilet floors, and dried-up, hagged-out 47 year old battle-axe stewardesses sadly remain par for the course. 
Not that I would know of course, because like any Oxbridge educated junior executive talented enough to rise into senior management at 3 separate multinational corporations by the age of 34, I prefer to fly with Emirates.
Whether I am traveling on my own dime with my wife & children, at company expense with an institute colleague, or even my mistress, I am simply unprepared to compromise.
And as the closest that many of my readers will probably ever come to first or business class at an airline like Emirates, is as they walk through it on their way to the rear of the plane, I thought I would take a look at the new generation of Middle Eastern based carriers turning the clock back to aviation’s ‘pre-mass’ golden era.
Firstly, Cabin Crew have been paramount to the success of Emirates and the many other Middle Eastern carriers. As the face of these airlines, their attention to detail and the introduction to Arab hospitality invariably leaves a lasting impression on travelers.
- Attentive cabin crew prepares to welcome guests with light refreshments.
And often is the case when a warm refreshment or a simple smile can be enough to create an appreciation with guests.
Cabin crew uniforms in the Middle East are often a reflection of the rich tapestry of interwoven Arab cultures. Designs are flashy, fleeting, and driven by a variety of trends.
Above: The razzle-dazzle showbiz style 2009 launch of Gulf Air’s 2009 cabin crew uniform. A design collaboration with Apple’s popular Ipod shuffle.
The glitzy, well polished façades of the Arab carriers however by no means equates to safety, and maintenance concerns taking a back seat. Flight staff undergo a rigorous series of crew training using the very latest techniques and technology.
Above- In this file photo Royal Saudi Airlines Pilot Abdul Halawi El-Mizali puts a flight simulator through its paces on the tarmac at Riyadh International Airport. Below: An Air Syria ground crew prepares for the arrival of 7:00am El Al flight AI278 from Tel Aviv.
And despite Arab society’s oft criticized attitude towards women in the workplace, a clear majority of Gulf based carriers have openly adopted equal opportunity programs tailored towards boosting female participation rates in non menial roles.
Often with mixed results….
The growth of these Middle Eastern carriers has been propelled by the bourgeoning numbers of young, cashed up, oil rich Arab travelers. This new generation know exactly what they want and are traveling the world’s hottest destinations in ever increasing numbers.
Arab gals are on the march. They have a keen eye for luxury and aren’t afraid to strut their stuff.
Airlines like Emirates have also set a new standard in-flight entertainment, offering everything from Internet access, bars, hot showers, and beauty salons.
Standards across the region however vary greatly at other carriers despite the best efforts of in-flight cabin crew.
China Gets A Hummer
Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Applied Mechanical Engineering Prof. Stanley Ku P. Eng.
News of GM’s Hummer unit being aquired by China’s Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industries will have come as quite a surprise to many Americans. Although the iconic Hum-Vee design is a much-loved fixture of American motoring culture, China will present the macho SUV brand with an entirely new set of challenges.
Chinese auto brands have come a long way in recent years. Early success will not come easy, and its long term viability in China will depend on how differente itself from exising auto brands.
Despite a smaller body, next generation rice burners pack plenty of grunt under the hood.
Well, most of the time.....
Chinese public transport- Safe, affordable, and green.
Well, most of the time anyway….
News of GM’s Hummer unit being aquired by China’s Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industries will have come as quite a surprise to many Americans. Although the iconic Hum-Vee design is a much-loved fixture of American motoring culture, China will present the macho SUV brand with an entirely new set of challenges.
Chinese auto brands have come a long way in recent years. Early success will not come easy, and its long term viability in China will depend on how differente itself from exising auto brands.
- Expect stiff competition from Chinese brands
Despite a smaller body, next generation rice burners pack plenty of grunt under the hood.
- Available in any color you want, as long as its red.
2 decades of economic boom times in China have led many domestic automakers to incorporate the technology of their US counterparts into showroom models. Sometimes even with the prior knowledge and consent of said US companies.
- A 2010 Sichuan Tengzhong Motors Hummer prototype rolls off the production lines in Shanghai.
China’s consumers are immensely fickle and trend driven in terms of their taste in automobiles. They constantly demand next generation technology and design at a competitive price. Well, most of the time.....
The wide body design of the Hummer will come as a god send to many commuters such as the Xian family of Guandong, seen here in their family car. The Xians were amongst the first to adopt carpooling as a means of combat the congestion and gridlock plaguing Chinese roads.
Many Chinese residential areas also suffer acute parking shortages. For many average Chinese motorists such as Mr. Feng Qian of Shanghai (pictured below) there is little choice but to pay extortionate hourly rates for the convenience of a regular parking space close to home.
For many urban white-collar professionals though, China’s public transport networks still provide the most effective means of commuting to the office.
Although China’s rail network has improved remarkably in recent decades, service remains patchy in most non-urban centers. As levels of comfort could be much lower than visitors are used to at home, the few extra dollars required to avoid second-class carriages is money well spent.
- Not for the faint hearted. Mr. Hu Tiang Zhe commuting in a Second Class commuter carriage to Beijing
- Mind the gap. Onlookers watch in awe as Jiu Zhe Quie pilots the 8:39am commuter express off Platform 12 at Xian Station.
And although most middle class consumers may not be able to afford a brand new Hummer just yet, China’s novel approach to road safety will ensure urban residents are able to easily access a seamless public transport infrastructure in the meantime.
Well, most of the time anyway….
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