My Favorite Boners

They can hit you whilst you are driving the car, or they can come when you are standing at a bar.

It can appear when you are riding a cow, or pushing a plough. As a matter of fact Ive got one now.

Boners.

That’s right, boners. And not just any old run of the mill standard boner. I am talking about awkward, prominent, regrettable boners.

For one reason, I just cant get enough of these little fellas.

 

It’s not easy to hide them is it. Sometimes if I am at work and get one, I usually just grab a stack of files, or my schedule diary and hold it out in front of the offending boner.

I am sure a lot of other guys must do this as well. It also has the positive spin off of making you look busy as well. Hell, odds are most guys walking around with files and folders are probably hiding a boner or two.

 

I bet this guy wishes he had a folder or schedule diary.

Some on the other hand, couldn’t give a bugger who sees them. Others, ( and I count myself amongst this number prefer to hide their boners where none would suspect it. Right under peoples noses.

Look at this cheeky devil. He probably waited until this ugly family gathered around for another boring happy snap during their vacation. It was probably shaping up to be quite a nice photo too, until this walrus thing wrestled them up half a mongrel.

I would have paid good money to see the looks on their faces when their photos came back from being developed.

Heres another good example of what I am talking about. Check out the cheeky grin on his face.

My other favorite boner variation is the sudden event of the half wood, with which perpetrator thinks doesn’t need hiding, or just completely gives up hiding.

Here are some of my favorites examples illustrating how the medium has developed over time.

Old Boney at his best

Definitely a senator who leans to the right.

Business as usual for this Princess no doubt.

The third, and final boner I would like to introduce for your consumption, is undoubtedly my favorite: The completely inappropriate boner.

They normally occur anywhere around small children, on crowded public transport, at a funeral, a family reunion, or during/ after an inappropriate subject is discussed.

Here are some for you to enjoy.

 

A Big Fat Redhead Goes to the Beach

I was looking through this article in the Daily Mirror archives regarding British Princess Beatrice going to the beach in the Caribbean.

Predictably, the 19 year old princes looked like a rite slapper, and reliably, the tabloid pulled her up on it.

given this is basically just a 19 year old girl at the beach with her boyfriend, normally this wouldn't interest me. The paper ran a fairy harsh, if entertaining description of the outing, which initially I though was a touch out of order.

But after a glance at the accompanying photographs, I was a bit shocked. (Not as shocked as I was in Europe last year when a German women at a gas station lifted her arm to reveal a hairy arm pit, but still pretty shocked none the less.

For starters look at this thing. It resembles a beast of the deep.

Warts and all. Bea comes up for air.

The article also unnecessarily mentioned her Mum's toe sucking incident in the 1990's, so extra points for that. Its always good to hear about that again.

 Somebody tell them not to mate.

Better than the article though was the cattiness and nastiness of people in the comments section. Some people can be so dreadful cant they? Sitting there with a few drinks I couldn't help but giggle my way through the entire offering. 

And on that note, here are my favorite 10 comments directly from the article.
1.
If she needs bodyguards at our expense the least they could do is look after her body. How can one so young have such an out of shape body?
- Andrea, Hemel Hempstead, UK

She could probably tuck em both in her bikini bottoms and do away with the bra peice.

2.
She'll at least be worth having around at Christmas if members of the public lose their nutcrackers.

- Tracey, Paisley, UK


3.
Crikey, look at those thighs!
- Lynzie, Plymouth Devon UK

Go'on mate, get stuck in. And make sure you touch the back of the tits as well.

4.
Oh my god she is enormous - too much food and not enough exercise. Way way to large.

- Sarah, Gerrards Cross, UK

5.
She is a hefty lass!
- Susan, Murphysharpe, UK
 
 

You know its summer when the gals start showing their belly buttons.

6.
Child bearing hips I think...
- Mike May, Egham, UK
 
7.
Why would anyone allow her to go out in that bikini, knowing she would be photographed, her figure clearly doesn't "support" the garment and her mother should be spending time teaching diet and exercise to her own children before she goes on TV teaching others. Bea, hit the gym!

- Mair Brady, Hedge End, UK

The great beast circled, toying with its prey.

8.

What you would call "a bonnie lass"?
- Glyn, Southampton, UK

9.
Oh dear! This is the first pic I've seen of her in a bikini, and hopefully the last. She's hardly a fairytale princess is she?
- John, Sevenoaks, UK

Two straps. Better be safe than sorry. And we appreciate it!

10.
No matter how shocking her outfits, she wears them proudly, no matter that she should wear bras, she doesn't proudly, and no matter how much she probably shouldn't
- Oliver, Reading, UK

Tokyo Art Scene: Free Wine & Cheese etc.

Regular readers will be in no doubt as to my credentials relative to Tokyo's modern art scene. I believe in art, and when people in Tokyo want a uninformed opinion on an upcoming gallery opening, I am many a Tokyo insider's first point of call.

If I have been to one gallery opening I have been to a thousand. And for good reasons. Most gallery openings nearly always have all 4 of my most favorites things.

Polished wooden floor boards.

Recently painted white walls.

Cheese.

White wine.

For the longest time I never used to find any pleasure in art, but the strangest thing happened about 5 years ago. After many years of being a hard core sports fan, my vocational circumstances suddenly meant I was never home to watch TV when sport was being broadcast. Within a short space of time, I completely lost touch with my teams, and before too much longer I lost all interest in sport.

Now I just find it all so completely pathetic and irrelevant.

Getting back to art. I am convinced that most thinking people go through a phase in their lives during which they are unable to appreciate or derive simple pleasure from intrinsically beautiful objects and concepts. Some are lucky to have this bred out of them by enlightened and sophisticated people around them.

Sadly though, for the most part, most people never seem to achieve any understanding or means of appreciating for art. Such people find minimal appeal in pursuits such as the theatre, ballet, and fashion, but always seem to be able to find ample time for  low brow, down market pursuits such as sports, automobile racing, and television.

I'm glad I am not like that any more.

Anyway, in order to write a sophisticated post about art for the bums and degenerates my blog seems to attract, I realised that I needed to do a bit of hunting around on the topic before hand. In doing so I fully expected to find my favorite painting of all time; 'A Friend in Need'. Better known as the 'The dogs playing poker',

And I did. But I also stumbled onto something just as good. People who recreate art of Lego. Take this MC Escher piece. It must have taken some idiot days.

This next one below is not as elaborate, but its still a good idea. Points taken away for the non Lego hair.

There are literally hundreds of these. Its great stuff isn't it. In fact, most of the worlds most famous works have now been recreated in Lego.

Soaking up all of this Lego sculptures got my interest in art flowing.  Before too long I found myself rubbing shoulders with other well educated, wealthy people at the National Art Center, Tokyo in Roppongi.

If my google analytic stats are anything to go by, you and my readers probably haven't been to this, or any other art galleries lately. You may however have seen pictures of it and its spectacular facade designed by Kisho Kurokawa.

I didn't have time to go inside and have a look at the exhibits but I did have a spare 20 minutes to walk around the exterior and the lobby.

The lobby is absolutely breathtaking. Like an open air canyon.

The massive concrete pylons that punctuate the lobby expanse are topped by upscale cafes and restaurants full of well dressed, good looking people. Such a breath of fresh air after walking through Roppongi before hand.

Forget the art and have lunch. I was kind of sorry I had my normal Subway footlong.

 

 

That's the finish of this post then. Piss off.