Doing It By The Book

Guest Blog Filed by: Chief of tIoGT Campus Police, Snr. Sgt. Randy Macklin

I haven’t always been in the security game you know. Before heading up campus security here, I was for a time gainfully employed in the services of the National Marine Fisheries Service. And it was a time in my life that allowed me to combine my two great passions-recreational sailing, and law enforcement.

One morning whilst on patrol, I happened across a vessel anchored around 3 or 4 nautical miles off shore. I noticed the sole occupant was a Caucasian female in her early 30’s. Upon approaching the boat from the south-west I inquired "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing out here today?"

She advised that after her husband had returned earlier that morning after a fishing trip, she had decided to take the boat out. She had motored a few miles off shore where apparently it was her intention to either take a nap after reading a few chapters of her book.

She still had all the fishing gear in the boat, and being in a fairly irritable mood naturally I said "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area."

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading my book?" she replied. Given her surly tone I once again informed her "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area." "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," said the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," I quickly replied. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

I said "Have a nice day ma'am," and left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

The Sex Life My Taxi Driver

Filed by: tIoGT Director of Navigational Robotics Engineering and Safety, Mr. David Robertson

The global nature of technical innovation in today’s world, and the diverse role played by tIoGT and other leading incubators of advanced robotics technology means I regularly have the opportunity to interact with a broad number of affiliate organizations throughout the international academic community.

While I enjoy the travel and interaction this grants me, sometimes it feels as though I spend half of my life at the airport, and the other half caught in traffic as my preferred chauffer Trevor whisks me towards it.

Trevor is a fine man. Definitely one of the finer drivers we have working in tIoGT the taxi pool. Like most of the drivers there he works long hours and holds down several jobs to make ends meet.

Often after dropping me at the airport, there are also times when he is able to also earn a few extra dollars by ferrying a newly arrived traveler into the city on the return trip. Not that it bothers me of course. It is after all a harmless abuse of Institute equipment.

During one such evening several weeks ago Trevor tells me was on his way back in from the airport when he noticed an arm waving him down from a dark roadside alley.

On this particular night the weather was terrible and it had been raining non-stop for several hours.

As he pulled his taxi up to the curve a mysterious figure quickly jumped into the taxi and slammed the door.

Looking into his rear view mirror Trevor was startled to see a dripping wet, naked lady sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he asked. "Pearmont Road", answered the woman. "OK", he said, as he again glanced at her in the mirror. Second time around though the woman took offence at Trevor’s leering and asked angrily, "What the hell do you think you’re looking at?"

"Well lady", replied Trevor, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was wondering how you'll pay your fare."

Hearing this the lady spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat of Trevor’s taxi and smiled as she said, "Does THIS answer your question driver?"

Still looking in the mirror, Trevor asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Letter of Recomendation

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

I was fannying about on the Internet the other day wasting my day as usual when I came across this clever piece of work. It was so good in fact that I immediately decided that I should steal it to share with everyone here at The Institute. Please enjoy.

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: the idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Sampling The Sweet Delights of Lady Vegas

Guest Blog Filed by: IoGT Chaplain Fr. David Sarsbury 

I was lucky enough to recently travel to Las Vegas to participate in a large religious themed convention held every 2 years in Las Vegas, Nevada. The convention is a major draw card for many self-styled evangelists and tech savvy religious leaders like myself.

After checking into the resort casino complex I was staying at, I settled down to read in my room for a few hours ahead of the convention.

After passing a few hours this way, I headed down to the bar to join many of fellow conventioneers for a drink or two. It was there that I also managed to strike up a conversation with a pretty bar tender named Samantha.

We talked for some time, and as it would happen, she later agreed to share a drink with me in my room after her shift. One thing eventually led to another and I am not ashamed to say that I wasn’t long before we were undressing each other.

Partway through though, she seemed to be having seconds thoughts for she asked me, “Father Sarsbury, are you sure it is all right for us to be doing this? I mean, you’re a holy man?”

I simply replied “My sweet child, it is written in the Bible.” She took me at my word and we spent a very pleasant night together.

The next morning as we were both preparing to leave, the young lady turned to me and said “Father Sarsbury, I am having trouble remember that passage in the Bible you referred to last night. Could you show me?”

In response to this, I took the Gideon Bible from the nightstand, opened the cover and pointed to the relevant passage. To her surprise, there inside the cover, somebody had inscribed “The bartender puts out.”

Urban Intrigue in Roppongi

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

I was strolling about in Hinokicho Park, Roppongi at the Tokyo Midtown complex the other afternoon, enjoying everything the sunny winter’s day had to offer. Couldn’t help but think how lucky nearby residents are to have such a wonderful place close by.

I have been there many times but this time around I noticed something about the walking tracks that flow through the park’s wonderful Japanese gardens and reflection pond.

 I am a touch embarrassed to say I missed this in the past but the walking tracks feature the impression of fallen leaves and foliage pressed into the concrete base.

Given the level of detail shown in concrete I would guess that the impressions were left using molds or prefabricated blocks, rather than actual leaves pressed into the concrete.

Most of the leave impressions were also encircled by a ring of newer concrete, which probably means they were done after the paths were initially concreted in early 2007.

I sure hope it has been done fairly recently because I usually notice features like this, and would have been embarrassed to have missed it in the past.

I would be surprised if this was an original idea, but nonetheless, it is the first time I have seen it done.

Very effective, and supposedly very inexpensive as well. I am sure we will be seeing a lot more of this in the future.

4 Out of 5 Van Heusen Customers

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

“Timeless Style For Timeless Occasions.” That of course is the tag line for Van Heusen, a great American fashion label operated by highly successful fashion conglomerate PVH.

Although I don’t have one of these shirts myself, they certainly are very fetching. Take this chap for instance, you would have to admit he looks timeless.

The shirts they make are popular too. I know, because the Van Heusen website says they are the most popular selling shirt in US department stores. I’ve heard a lot of good things about US department stores so perhaps they really are timeless!?

Well, I was still to be convinced about the whole timeless quality so I did a bit of digging through their old catalogues. Eventually I found this old gem. Good for a bit of giggle.

While its difficult to be absolutely certain I am guessing the chap second from bottom with the bone and large nose ring is the non-oxford shopper.

This would suggest that at least 20% of punters are uninterested in Van Heusen garments. But frankly, I’m not entirely convinced this is all bad news for VH stakeholders.

To be perfectly honest Consumer #4 doesn’t look like as though he would shop in a US department store to begin with anyway, so his consumer preference for another label’s garment probably isn’t going to have much of an adverse effect on company sales anyway. Who knows? Perhaps a larger survey sample would have yielded surprisingly different results to use in the ad campaign.

But assuming this survey is accurate, I think Consumer #4’s preference only serves to reinforce how fickle some consumer segments of society truly are. Even when presented with a superior product endorsed by a unanimous majority of his piers, this consumer has opted for a totally different product. It just goes to show that its impossible to please everybody no matter how timeless the product is.

And if this whole debacle isn’t already confusing enough, I also note the advertisement muddies the waters even further by saying, and I quote: “4 out of 5 men prefer Oxfords….. in these new Van Heusen styles.” This suggests that all 5 of the men aren’t genuine consumers, but models showcasing new Van Heusen styles?!

If Consumer #4’s outfit is therefore a genuine new Van Heusen style, I suspect this campaign would have had poor consumer penetration in markets where 4 or even 5 out of every 5 people wouldn’t prefer Oxfords, such as underdeveloped tribal regions of Africa and the Amazon rain forest.

I also can’t help but be skeptical as to whether this man is actually a credible authority on semi formal business attire? Can I suggest that Van Heusen rethink their selection criteria for these surveys before they do next years analysis? It sure would be great to take a gander at the survey data because I think there is a possibility that some kind of error may have occurred here.

Not that I need to see the data to know that one of these styles would have lagged considerably behind the other 4. I think its safe to say that only real hard-core fans of the Van Heusen label would have purchased all 5 styles.

An exception to this may possibly have occurred in former British colonies such as the Republic of South Africa, and Zimbabwe, where both styles would presumably be equally acceptable as standard office dress codes.

Christmas In Tokyo

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

The global recession may have forced some city councils around the world to scale back on their Christmas budgets, but thank god some cities still know how to show a bit of Christmas cheer!

No one does a bit of razzle dazzle quite like the Americans do they? And while many in middle America wont have the spare cash to decorate, or indeed even pay the mortgage on their homes this Christmas, it was business as usual for many big city illumination displays.

Here’s a very dandy snap of my favorite Xmas display, New York’s Rockefeller Center.

Yep, those Americans sure do know how to illuminate a tree!

Oo-la-la! They French are no slouches either.

Here’s a lovely photograph of the Chrismas tree in the Galeries Lafayette department store in Paris.

Christmas is a big down south as well. Here, thousands of inebriated Australian’s gather around a tree in Sydney’s delightful Martin Place.

I just wonder how they managed to keep enough people sober long enough to set it all up?

Not even the thrifty Scots are prepared to skimp on something as great as Christmas!

Why even the normally fiscally responsible Mr. Obama managed to pimp out his front lawn with a beautiful display this year.

As Christmas illumination is such a big deal in so many countries, it should come as no surprise that Tokyo has also been spending up big to restore a bit of national pride following the failed 2016 Olympic bid.

Feast your eyes on this elaborate Xmas display I was lucky enough to spot during a recent stroll in downtown Shibuya.

It sure is great to know that even a 19 year long (and counting!) recession can’t dim the spirits or imaginations of Tokyo civic planners. Not for one instant!!

You should have seen the delight on the little children’s faces as they walked into Moss Burger.

Frequent tIoGT visitors will know that one of the prime factors behind Japan’s post war economic miracle was a relentless drive to adopt only the most beneficial and palatable aspects of western culture. If don’t know if that true or not, but if it is, then its certainly no exaggeration to say that its business as usual in Shibuya!

Surely it can’t be long now before innovative promotional campaigns like this have Japan’s recession weary consumers opening their wallets and spending the economy back into the black!! Great work Shibuya, the Institute of Good Taste salutes you!!

Economic Transition

Guest Blog Filed by: tIoGT Chairman Alistair Cooper

As tIoGT readers will know only too well, the deteriorating condition of our national economy is having a significant impact on every aspect of our society. And although we at the Institute of Good Taste are well placed to weather this storm, we must remember that things may get worse before they get any better.

Despite the financial strength of our balance sheet, if I was to be completely honest with you I would have to admit that our forward financial estimates resemble something that just fell out of a sick dogs bum hole.

As a collective institution we must tighten our belts.

Rather than dollars and cents though, myself and the other the individuals with whom this Institution’s future ultimately lays recognizes that our strongest asset is our employees. As such, we are keen to reaffirm our commitment to ensuring any and all future retrenchment initiatives are implemented with as little disruption as possible to remaining colleagues.

This institution makes no secret that retrenchments have to date been observed at all levels of our hierarchy. Only recently for instance, I myself was faced with a very difficult selection I knew would have a great bearing on the future direction of our institute.

After careful consideration, I had narrowed my choice down to two of my own personal staff: Mary and Jack. The decision was extraordinarily difficult as they were both equally senior, equally qualified, and both always turned in fine work. Eventually I decided that that whoever used the water cooler first would by asked to leave.

The next day Mary came in and was very hung-over after a long client dinner. Apparently she had been throwing the drinks back pretty hard the previous night. I watched as she went over to the water fountain to get some water to wash down some aspirin.

As I approached her I said, "Mary, this is the first time I have ever had to do anything like this, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."

I’m still not entirely sure what she actually meant.

Facebook Fails The Capitalism 101 Test

Filed by: The Author of tIoGT

Facebook sure is a great site. And at the price users pay, there can be no denying that it certainly represents great value for money. Given the enormous number of applications it now has relative to the ways we interact with those around us, it really is difficult to believe that it still doesn’t cost a penny to use.

But should it be free of charge? Normally, a party would be rewarded or compensated for supplying a service or product for which there is demand? That’s capitalism 101 isn’t it?

I was thinking about this the other day whilst browsing some of the pages set up to ensure Facebook remains free. Some of the pages had grand titles like “Keep Facebook Free!!” and “Ill leave Facebook If I Have to Pay!!” etc. etc. Curiously, most of the posters there seemed to be under the assumption they had an inalienable right to use the service, or most curiously of all, that Facebook belongs to everyone….

Given the enormous enjoyment and convenience so many people derive from using Facebook, I cant help but be very skeptical that any fair minded person would or indeed should refuse to pay a small annual membership fee of say perhaps $1-2, or even $5.

Obviously this also applies to sites like Wikipedia, Twitter, Flika, online newspapers, and of course even the Blogger template I am using to reach you right now.

Despite their unquestionable quality and utility though, sites such as these all share a common Achilles Heel largely preventing any significant monetization. The are but the finest proponents in a glut of supply by parties with a capability of supplying a comparable product. That’s also capitalism 101.

Basically, more supply than demand = lower price. Very low in fact.

I suppose there’s no point in worrying about all this too much though. Supply and demand will go on fluctuating and the market will sort it all out eventually. Like Mrs. Thatcher said, You cant buck the market.

In the mean time, please enjoy some more Facebook screenshots that I lifted off of another great free site.

They are completely free. But I would charge you if I could.