Still Endangered After All These Years

As most people know, turtles suck pretty badly even at the best of times.

Even those massive ones they have at zoos and wildlife parks from the Galapogas Islands are only good for a few minutes entertainment. They are probably endangered too.

Taking his time as usual.

You often hear statistics about how many different species are disappearing each day, hour, and trimester etc. etc. Frankly though I wonder if any of these statistics really hold any water? I mean how do they finalize the numbers? It must all be half guesswork and other half bullshit because heaven knows it must be hard to do a gallop poll on all the animals.

Apart from being made up on the run, these dodgy statistics also never take into account the new species coming into existence. I hear the new species numbers are very high- as much as 34%.

Alas, like the stupid, boring old Galapogas turtles at your local petting zoo, most endangered species are still around. For some reason whenever I here anything about endangered species, it always seems to be the same old suspects like the giant panda or blue whale etc. that are still on the precipice. You know them. Its always the same ones.

This is especially true of those fucking pandas! Ever since I was a boy they have been on the verge of extinction. Message to pandas- Piss or get off the pot! But for some reason they still have credibility as an endangered species. For peats sake, they have even weaseled their way onto the WWF logo.

Why cant they leave gracefully like the dodo, the Tasmanian tiger, or all the dinosaurs- 3 species that have, from a PR/career perspective gone on to benefit enormously from their respective sudden, and tragic ends.

Digging a little deeper on this, we can also thank these 3 species for teaching us the only way to top the golden Sudden/ Tragic combo is with the third magic ingredient- Preventability. Take beloved characters like Elvis, Michael Jackson, JFK, Che Guevera, Heath Ledger, or Curt Cobain for example. Like the Dodo etc., all went out suddenly, tragically, and very preventably, at the top of the game- just the way we humans both adore and love it.

Getting back to those fat Panda bears, like everything else from China, I also think its pretty safe to say we have given them a pretty fair shake of our time, attention, and charity dollar. Why henceforth, shouldn’t they be assessed on performance and results like the rest of us punters?

Bullseye! Just what we needed, another Chinese.

If they haven’t got the goods to survive in the modern world, put em to work in the circus like all the other animals and lets see if we can get some of our money back.