Vegas Underbelly

Guest Blog Filed by: tIoGT Gaming Committee Chairman, Mr. Terrance Chapman

There’s an old saying “What happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas.” And boy do things happen in Las Vegas. The fabled desert city. Its temptations and vices. Its trimmings and trappings. It has a kind of power that vastly alters people, turning the average mild mannered Joe Blow into a person his own family wouldn’t easily recognize. And thank god for it as well.

My first taste of Vegas’s seedy underbelly came when I was still a freshman at the now demolished Stardust Casino back in the late 1980’s. I was rooming with a fellow croupier who would eventually go on to become one of the youngest ever General Managers of a major Vegas corporate resort casino. I obviously can’t say which property, but take my word for it they serve the best Caesar’s Salad on the entire strip.

Vegas was only just starting out, and at the time its laws governing where and when ladies of the night could ply their trade where a lot more liberal than nowadays. One evening my roommate was walking home from work down the Strip when one such girl caught his eye. He struck up a conversation and eventually asked her, "How much is standard price?" She replied, "It all begins at $500 for a hand-job."

He said, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! You must be joking! No hand-job is worth that kind of cash!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that restaurant on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the restaurant about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third restaurant?" "Yes." "Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all of those. And the reason I own them is because I give a hand-job that's worth every penny of $500."

So the guy says, "What, you only live once. I'll take one." They checked into a nearby hotel. Not long after, my roommate was sitting on the bed in awe of the hand-job of a lifetime, undoubtedly worth every bit of $500.

He was so taken a back, he told me he said, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The prostitute replied, "$1,500." "I wouldn't think of paying that for just a blow-job!" The hooker interjected, "Really? Well step over here to the window. Do you see that casino across the Strip? I own that casino outright. And the reason I own it is because I give a blow-job that's worth $1,500.

"The poor guy, who probably wasn’t thinking straight at this point after such terrific hand-job, decides to put off a new car for yet another year and says, "OK, I have gotta have one! "Ten minutes later, he was once again sitting on the bed more shocked than before. He could hardly believe it but he genuinely felt as though he got his money's worth.

At this point he decided to really dip into his savings for one glorious final experience.

So he asked the hooker, "How much to go the whole deal?" The hooker said, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those amazing twinkling lights, casino palaces, and nightclubs?

"Wow!" the guy said, in awe, "You own the whole damn city?"

"No," the hooker replied, "but I would... if I had a vagina."